Somehow, today’s mandala ending up feeling more melancholy than I meant it to be. But then when I look inside at how I am feeling…a little bit sad does kind of fit the bill. Also, I did the drawing without erasing..even though there are errors in it. I kind of thought I would just let it be…Challenging for me to do!
Monday In Review
Sooo many things from yesterday to blog about….
Yesterday was a good day for me. I hope this is the start of a trend (aside from today’s melancholy start). That said, Sunday was not such a good mood day for me and I could totally feel my mood doing that ugly dip…But somehow, I pulled it together and got myself back on an even keel. Am I overly optimistic if I hope one good day is starting a trend?
Yesterday, therapy was good too. For the first time since I started with the AT, I felt really settled and comfortable with him. No…the shoes didn’t come off, but I felt like I have reached my highest level of trust with him so far. This is good because he wants to start doing some harder stuff (How can it get any harder?!) and feeling safer makes me more amenable to the idea.
After therapy, I went out to breakfast with a friend. I like this friend a lot…I have known her for about 19 years now. She is one of the few people that I will go out to a restaurant with (food/eating/shame issues). Anyway, we had a nice visit. And she is a PNP at the same office as my doctor, so I related my concerns/frustrations about my doctor with her. It turns out I am not the only one who is having a hard time with my doctor…I was relieved to hear this. It means that I am not being unreasonable or over-reacting to my doctor, but that there is a real issue. I’m not sure what I am going to do about it…I am still thinking on it. And still waiting for a reply from my doctor…If she chooses to reply.
When I got home, I took the dogs on a walk. The big dog got scared by a big truck barreling by us and has now decided he is afraid of big trucks. He is damaged and anxious like me. Little things (or as the case may be big and noisy things) can be triggering for him. Now I will have to do some remediation to get him feeling safe again. Poor puppy!
Then I spent the afternoon reading the rest of Social Strawberries blog.
Later in the day, I IMed SS. During our conversation she mentioned she had read a couple of my blog posts. And it appears she is still speaking to me…Perhaps I don’t have to worry about her being afraid of my mental health issues? Maybe I can let my anxiety about it step down a notch?
Okay…I am stuck on something. I don’t know what to do when people say nice things to me. Like yesterday, the AT said something nice about me being courageous (I think about “outing” myself to SS). And I froze. This happens all the time. I never know what to do when people say nice things. It makes me feel small and reminds me of all the bad things about myself, so I freeze. I know the socially appropriate thing is to say thank you….but I feel so awkward…Especially if the person is being genuine with their compliment.
I guess part of me also is just baffled by the compliment. Like, how can you find something nice to say about me? Have you even looked at me/talked to me? There is nothing here to compliment. Must be this is a self-esteem issue and I have deemed myself not worthy of compliments. Actually, that makes sense…I don’t feel like I deserve compliments. I guess this is one more thing to work on in therapy.
Remember ages ago, I took those old sketchbooks in and showed them to the AT? He thinks maybe it would be a good idea if we looked a bit closer at them so I can “process the trauma.” I am both terrified and intrigued by the idea. I pressed him for what he meant by” process the trauma.” His answer was vague. I don’t like vague. I like to know exactly what to expect so that I am prepared.
Am I ready to look at the things in my sketchbooks? I just don’t know. What I do know is that it will be an unpleasant process (understatement of the day!) and I am not looking forward to it. I think I will give myself some time to warm up to the idea.