Yesterday was not a banner Art Therapy day. I did not have my best game-face on and it really showed. I was testy and irritable and I walked in with my defenses raised. And as the session progressed, I felt myself dissociate more and more. By the end of the session, I had to really work hard to focus on the AT….To keep myself in the same room with him. It took a lot of energy.
We did talk about the dissociation and the AT posited that I had been dissociated all weekend (well…since last Thursday’s appointment) and when I reflected back…It made a lot of sense, I think he was right (again!). I was pretty flat and numb feeling over the weekend, I couldn’t really string together thoughts for decent blog posts…I had that bad night Thursday night…It all sort of clicks that I was triggered and then dissociated my way out of it.
But what sticks with me most about Art Therapy yesterday is something the AT asked me…He asked what he could do so that I would trust him more. And I feel so bad and guilty about it. I wish I could trust him more. I am trying to trust him more. There is not reason to not trust him….So, I kind of feel like shit for not being able to trust him more. So…now I am struggling with the trust and I feel like I am a bad person for not trusting him more. <sigh> Why doesn’t this ever get any easier?
After Art Therapy, I saw the Nutritionist. That appointment was challenging too as I had to tell her I have kind of gone way off the OCD deep-end with my eating. She was very thoughtful and kind about it and had some ideas for how I could ease off the pressure on myself. She made some really good points too…I have some things to think about.
She also told me I am losing weight too fast and I need to try to slow it down a bit. Evidently, the OCD eating pattern is resulting in excessive calorie restriction. I didn’t dare say to her, “Losing weight too fast? You really think that’s a problem?” I am not sure how much effort I will put into increasing my calorie consumption. (And yes…I do understand there are physical and psychological issues, with losing weight too fast.)
The Big Dog
And really, I never got a chance to settle in at home yesterday afternoon to process my appointments because the Big Dog got hurt. I literally had been home 5 minutes, long enough to let the dogs out and then back in when i noticed blood on the floor. I wasn’t too worried and went to see which dog was bleeding and I turned and there was Big Dog, staring pitifully at me holding his left rear leg off the ground. I still wasn’t too worried until I saw the wound…He sliced the skin just below his hock, right across the tendon…And then the skin retracted on both ends. It was bloody and gory and clearly needed stitches. Poor baby! I did not do well maintaining my composure (I am super-attached to this dog!) but I didn’t cry (Didn’t want to upset him anymore…he was already trembling and anxious) and I did get his leg all wrapped up and called the vet. Basically, I had enough time to gulp some lunch and then zip the dog into town to the vet.
One hour and three staples later…We left the vet.
My poor puppy! He has pain meds for a few days and antibiotics for two weeks. And he has activity restrictions for the next couple of days and then can only go on short walks until the staples come out….Which is a bummer as we had just gotten into a nice walking routine again….Both the dogs and I will miss our longer walks.
But…one good thing did come out of this. I texted dh about the injury and vet visit and he offered to go with me. And….I said yes. That is to say, I knew I was a bit emotionally unglued about the dog and I really needed support and I accepted his offer to come with me. It pretty much falls under the category of “Asking for Help When I Need It” only he offered before I could ask. 😉
Crazy, huh? Maybe I am learning things in Art Therapy!