Last night was so bad in terms of nightmares, that I eventually just gave up on sleeping and got up, even though it was obscenely early. And most frustrating of all, is that I have no idea what triggered such a bad night. Yes, I had Art Therapy yesterday, but it was a “light” session and I didn’t feel at all pushed or challenged or like I was going to be thrown by the session. I don’t think Art Therapy was the trigger….And honestly, my whole day was good. <sigh> It’s like I can’t catch a break.
The first nightmare I had was the one that resulted in the most extreme reaction. I was dreaming that I was in a car (I think I was driving) with Social Strawberries, Pixie and dh and I think ds. We were on a road trip somewhere and trying to decide if we needed to stop at a rest area and use the bathroom. Pixie assured us that she did not need to pee…But SS was unconvinced since it was a long time until the next rest area. I said that I could used a stop (I didn’t urgently need to pee, but figured it would give a chance for Pixie to go.) SS agreed that she could stop too.
Then, I was in a large public bathroom that was sort of like a locker room and it had a second room in it that was where the toilets were. I was alone and standing on a ladder doing something (I have no idea what.) The bathroom was dark…like almost pitch black kind of dark….Which gives me a vague idea that I was changing the light bulb…but I don’t remember…I could hear noises in the bathroom like there was someone there, and I kept looking but couldn’t see anyone/anything. I called out, “Hello.” but no one answered. And I kept doing whatever I was doing on the ladder. I was getting more and more anxious because I kept hearing something, but could not see a anything because it was so dark.
Then, something happened in the dream…but I don’t remember what…and I was terrified and that’s when I woke up. And I woke up in that paralytic panic, where I cannot move, and can only barely think, and I have to pull myself back into my body and slowly get my body to start to respond to me so that I can move and think and orient myself to when/where I am.
After I fell back asleep, the nightmares continued, but none of the others induced the paralytic panic. I dreamed about kids vandalizing our home (when we lived in the apartment) and that they were relentless and terrifying. And I dreamed I was fostering a baby, but people kept putting her to bed in weird places and I couldn’t find her and then she was outside with some people and they wanted to do some sort of surgery on her…And I was in a panic that I didn’t have the authority to consent to the surgery and that if they did the surgery, the baby would be taken away from me and I wouldn’t be able to adopt her. The surgery they were going to do was on her genitals…And I was really upset about that…Nobody was going to mutilate my baby! And then I had another dream….that there was an old actor and he was recruiting girls to be in movies and so that he could train them…except he was really recruiting them to sexually abuse them and/or rape them. Only…he had slight dementia, so he had only a vague awareness of the fact that his behavior might not be acceptable.
Now, I just feel exhausted and raw and frustrated. Why do I dream this stuff? Sometimes, I wish my trauma-brain would just leave me alone!