“Do you think you can get better?” Part 2
The question above is actually my own question….only turned back and directed towards me. I ask the Art Therapist regularly, “Do you think I can get better?” And he always says, “Yes.” Sometimes, it is a quick yes, sometimes an emphatic yes and sometimes a detailed yes with reassurances. So, after having heard the question a gazillion times and after hearing me talk about the Hope Trap and Hope…The AT flipped the question and gave it to me.
I have blogged about this a bit before. I ask the AT if he thinks I will get better, I ask my PNP, I ask my friend…I even have another friend that I haven’t asked but who has reassured me that, indeed, I will get better. And I need to hear this. Because I don’t quite know if I believe it….Like I said yesterday, I have to believe it. It is imperative that I believe it…But I am sooo afraid that it is not actually true. Hearing that other people believe it gives me reassurance. Like…I trust the AT, and I trust that he does a good job and knows what he is doing. And he has had lots of years doing this kind of work and has seen lots of different people. If he thinks that I can get better…then there must be something to it. And I can hear that he has confidence that I can get better and so I can work on internalizing that.
Sometimes, when I try to explain these things and I feel like I just can’t say it right. Here’s an analogy. You know how when you have rushing water…like under a waterfall, or a bend in a river? Or if there is a steady dripping of water, it will wear into rock? Given enough time, it will even slowly bore down into rock and make a crucible or even a hole. Sometimes, that’s how I think of myself. I have this hard, almost impenetrable shell. But…over time, it can be worn down. And I don’t mean worn down in a negative way, but worn down until there are holes in the shell that lead into the center. Of course, in a rock, the center is more rock…But in me….The shell may be the rock, but in the center is Me. Using this analogy the AT’s words are like the dripping water. Each time he reassures me that he thinks (and he would even say that he knows) I can get better, it makes a little divot in my shell.
He has another thing he tells me all the time, and he almost had me there with that one, “You matter.” He has told me that a gazillion and one times! And it has slowly been wearing through the shell…through the rock façade. At the end of September, I was feeling like maybe I could see that little sliver of mattering through a chink in my shell…But then the Forgetting Incident kind of shoved gobs of cement into that chink. But it’s the same concept…If I hear it long enough, it starts to impact me.
So…that’s why I ask if I can get better….To mitigate what seems to me to be an impossible outcome. Especially when I am having bad days and just can’t see it. Hearing it helps. And hopefully that help can get me through until I can see it myself.