Too Many Feelings In Therapy
The Art Therapist was irritating yesterday. Half the appointment went well, then he peeved me and I was not a happy camper. Then, he wanted me to tell him why I was mad…And that made me even less happy. <grumble> And the worst part of it? He was right to try to get me to talk about why I was mad. I always internalize anger, which is not a good habit.
Ugh…and I genuinely almost cried yesterday too. Lots of times, I can hold back the feeling of wanting to cry, but yesterday….I could not and I was way outside of my no-crying safety zone. I barely reeled myself back in….But, I pulled myself back together and did not cry.
And…to top it off, I dissociated too. The AT was telling me something… It was something along the lines of the, “You matter,” kind of stuff…but it wasn’t about mattering…He even used my full name and directed me to look at him….And…it’s just gone. I have no idea what he was saying. Which is unfortunate, because I am pretty sure he was saying something important. (Which is why he was trying to get my full attention.)
So, how’s that for a therapy session? Mad, sad and dissociated.
But…It wasn’t all bad. Really, it was just the second half of the appointment that was so hard. The first half was fine and relaxed and we even laughed a lot. I kind of want to say, “Oh well…at least half the session was okay.” But really, both halves were okay…Just one half was a lot harder than the other.
My Thanksgiving anxiety is stable at the moment. Something that I often do when I feel anxious is clean. It’s a good way to pass the time and burn off the anxious energy. This is working well right now as I really wanted to do a kind of deep clean before our families come on Thursday….So, I get to burn off my anxious energy and I get to be getting the house clean. It’s a two-fer!
And since one of my anxieties about having family over is that my Mother-in-Law is judgmental and critical and appearances are really, really important to her. So, I have this pressure to have my home spit-polished and perfect. Which the anxious cleaning is addressing.
Something else that I noticed is that since my anxiety has gone up, so has the rigidness in my eating pattern. The Nutritionist had made the observation quite a while back that my “diet” (my word, not hers) gives me something to control when I am feeling a lack of control. Retrospectively, it made sense to me….But right now, I think I am seeing it as it is unfolding.