This Week and In Control?


This Week

I have a busy week ahead of me…and I am not really feeling up to it.  That said, as always, I will shove the “not up to it” aside and participate in the things I am committed to.

Monday, I have my regular AT and then I picked up some hours at work.  Tues and Weds are quiet days, but Thursday is a triple-decker appointment day.  Art Therapy, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner and Nutritionist.  Every now and then, this happens, when they are all lumped on the same day.  I am good with same-day for the AT and my PNP since they are only a handful of blocks from each other and it saves me a trip into the City.  But the Nutritionist too makes the day long.  Then on Friday, I assume I am working, but no guarantees since they have hired a new person.

In Control?

I am already nervous about my Nutritionist appointment.  A couple appointments ago, she was concerned about how fast I losing weight…And if she was concerned about that particular weight loss, then she is going to be pretty unhappy about my current weight loss….And it is only Sunday!  I have talked about how obsessive I can get with dieting…And at this point, I am beyond obsessing.  I feel calm and applied and not anxious about food…I simply don’t eat much, so I have no worries.  If I thought I could get away with it (i.e. not be caught) I probably could just stop eating.  It is already hard not to skip meals…Eating pretty much nothing seems barely a stretch.

So, yup. I am screwed. Not because of my decline to minimalist eating habits, but because I have someone monitoring me and thus I have to put up a front that I am fine.  And then there’s this little nagging voice in my head that is asking me if this is a control issue, like the nutritionist had commented on a while back.  I can’t control my feelings and my dissociation and my depression and PTSD and anxiety.  But I can rigidly control what I eat.  Well…It’s a theory anyway, who knows if is true.

And I did kind of a brave thing Friday and yesterday.  I pulled all of my summer clothes out of the closet because they are too big now and hopefully will still be too big next summer.  I bagged them up and will be taking them off to Goodwill.  And…I also pulled out all the clothing that I don’t like (of which I had a fair amount because I never feel worthy of having clothing I like) and stuffed it in the bag too.  Well…honestly, most of that clothing is too big now too, but still…It felt good to get rid of it.   All this clothing purging will not leave me naked.  I had clothes that had been too small that I can wear now.  Oh, and I found a belt, so hopefully, I can get the clothing to last me through the winter. If not, I may have to call on my tailoring skills.  We shall see how it all shakes out.

Okay…Sorry…I find dieting blogs tedious and I don’t want to turn this into one.  That will be all I have to say about weight loss for a while.

1 thought on “This Week and In Control?

  1. You can talk about weight loss as much as you want to! This is YOUR blog and we enjoy reading anything you have to say.. As for the eating.. Are your calories per day close to where they should be, or way lower? Maybe the nutritionist can help you come up with some foods that you can eat to boost your calorie intake in a healthy way without adding a bunch of quantity to your meals?

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