Therapy Was Challenging and Preparing For The Inevitable

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Therapy Was Challenging

The Art Therapist made me really mad yesterday.  He gave me a directive to create a picture of my barriers to progress.  It was an easy peasy assignment (I replicated the picture for today’s mandala). My barriers are Me and fear.  But…as usual, doing art about it made it less easy peasy.  Whenever I do art in there, I get really upset.  Drawing and painting in therapy makes all sorts of feelings come up and I don’t like that.  But…what made me mad was that he asked me to add to the painting (and I can’t quite remember what he asked) and he gave me 60 seconds to do it.  That’s what peeved me.  I don’t like being timed.  And as I was painting a vining green plant, he interjected a couple of times with my countdown status.  And I got really mad and I stopped painting.  I have no idea why being timed made me so angry, but I was really chafing.  It’s strange… the things that end up being triggers…

I also end up dissociating again.  That doesn’t really surprise me, as pretty much any time I do art in there, I end up dissociating.  I just don’t know what to do with all the feelings that come up, so I just slide away.  This time, I felt it happening, that sort of distancing feeling where the AT seemed far away….I wonder if I am supposed to tell him when I notice that happening.  Maybe I’ll ask him sometime.

Oh, and he rearranged his office a while ago and moved the chairs and art desk and the new set-up is terrible.  He ends up being to my side, but sort of behind me.  Sooo not okay!  I haven’t really done much for art in a while, so I hadn’t really caught this layout problem, but I do not like it!  How can I keep an eye on him if he is pretty much behind me?

Preparing For The Inevitable

Okay…switching topics….So, a couple of months ago, the Nutritionist asked if it was okay, or if I thought it would be helpful if she talked with the AT.  Of course, I said yes because I am a firm believer in interdisciplinary communication.  But I didn’t want to annoy the AT by asking him about it (I’m not sure why I thought he would be annoyed) and it didn’t seem super important, so I just didn’t ask him.  A couple of weeks after she asked, she got the release paper for me to sign so that she could call him. And I didn’t follow through.  But…thinking ahead to the conversation I am going to have with her on Thursday, I kind of wondered if she would again want to call him.  So, I asked him about it and he gave me a release to sign. (And of course, he wasn’t actually annoyed.)

The odd thing is that I don’t talk to the AT about the eating stuff at all.  We don’t even really talk about body image or any of that.  Mind you, I am not complaining as that stuff is totally shame triggering for me and I would be mortified to talk about it with the AT….But am I supposed to talk to him about it?  Like would it be beneficial to talk about it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me?  I suppose those are rhetorical questions.  I am pretty sure I know the answer to the second one, but I think it falls under the category of “I know what I should do, but that doesn’t mean I am going to do it.”

And two side notes this morning:  I had a couple of comments about Sunday’s blog entry and I am thinking maybe I need to blog a bit more about my current eating issues, so that will be forthcoming.  And…I have yoga this afternoon!  Yay for yoga! Yoga is also something I would like to blog a bit more about soon.

One thought on “Therapy Was Challenging and Preparing For The Inevitable

  1. I think that maybe it would be something worth mentioning to AT when you’re ready.. It all kind of ties in-the body shame-with everything else. I think it’s super brave that you allow them all to communicate about your treatment. That’s a huge, positive step. xxxx

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