My Achilles’ Heel
Tuesday afternoon, I had yoga and at the very end when we were in savasana, I had a flashback. I immediately opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling fans and forced myself stay as much in the present as I could. I pulled myself together and finished yoga, but I knew I was toast.
I had written yesterday’s blog ahead of time and I didn’t add anything about the flashback to it because I thought I could handle it…But handling it was a minute by minute struggle. I spent an hour and a half first thing yesterday morning painting and painting and painting trying to get out the soiled feeling that the flashback brought.
Not only did I feel dirty, I felt totally unglued. Totally out of control. Totally overwhelmed and I was indescribable emotional pain….Like, I was literally pacing because I hurt so bad and I couldn’t calm myself.
I kept telling myself that this was one of those times that it would be okay to call the AT to get more support….But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So, instead I tried convincing myself that there was nothing he could do anyway. That didn’t work either, so I compromised and emailed him because I was just crawling out of my skin and I needed help. The AT emailed me back pretty quickly and then followed-up with a call to me a little while later. It helped to know that I am not on my own trying to manage something really hard.
For the most part, I got through the day by throwing myself into a cleaning frenzy which kept me distracted. By the time I finished cleaning, the numbness had set in and I wasn’t feeling anything.
Currently, I am pretty much shut down emotionally. I also feel very fragile, like the slightest thing will cause me to just shatter. Ummm…maybe I am actually shattered already…I kind of feel like I am floating fragments that just can’t come back together.
I can handle lots of things that my depression and PTSD throw at me…But flashbacks? They are the absolute hardest thing for me. I can not manage the feelings that they stir up and I hate that they can pop up anywhere, anytime. I. Hate. Them.
Anyway, here’s some of the painting from yesterday.
huuuugggggggsssss
aw Heidi, those paintings really convey the pain you’re feeling. Sorry you’re going through this. I hope it passes very soon. x