My Achilles’ Heel

Tuesday afternoon, I had yoga and at the very end when we were in savasana, I had a flashback.  I immediately opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling fans and forced myself stay as much in the present as I could.  I pulled myself together and finished yoga, but I knew I was toast.

I had written yesterday’s blog ahead of time and I didn’t add anything about the flashback to it because I thought I could handle it…But handling it was a minute by minute struggle.  I spent an hour and a half first thing yesterday  morning painting and painting and painting trying to get out the soiled feeling that the flashback brought.

Not only did I feel dirty, I felt totally unglued. Totally out of control. Totally overwhelmed and I was indescribable emotional pain….Like, I was literally pacing because I hurt so bad and I couldn’t calm myself.

I kept telling myself that this was one of those times that it would be okay to call the AT to get more support….But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So, instead I tried convincing myself that there was nothing he could do anyway.  That didn’t work either, so I compromised and emailed him because I was just crawling out of my skin and I needed help.  The AT emailed me back pretty quickly and then followed-up with a call to me a little while later.  It helped to know that I am not on my own trying to manage something really hard.

For the most part, I got through the day by throwing myself into a cleaning frenzy which kept me distracted. By the time I finished cleaning, the numbness had set in and I wasn’t feeling anything.

Currently, I am pretty much shut down emotionally.  I also feel very fragile, like the slightest thing will cause me to just shatter.  Ummm…maybe I am actually shattered already…I kind of feel like I am floating fragments that just can’t come back together.

I can handle lots of things that my depression and PTSD throw at me…But flashbacks?  They are the absolute hardest thing for me.  I can not manage the feelings that they stir up and I hate that they can pop up anywhere, anytime. I. Hate. Them.

Anyway, here’s some of the painting from yesterday.