In an ordinary week, triple decker AT, PNP, Nutritionist appointments would be tiring, but manageable. In a two-days-post-flashback week, triple decker appointments push me far beyond anything I can handle, resulting in spending the whole day pretty dissociated, like to the point of barely able to function. If you don’t have these kinds of dissociative episodes, let me give you a description of how it feels:
- Numbness and detachment: Everything you see is like looking through the wrong end of binoculars. Things are far away, but you know it’s an illusion. Things are fuzzy, you can’t quite get your brain to feel. When interacting with other people, you can be looking right at them, but your brain can’t hone in on them. Their voice sounds far away and you can’t remember what they have said to you.
- Clumsiness: Your brain and your hands (or other body parts) just aren’t connecting. You drop things, your hands may or may not shake…but they kind of feel like they aren’t attached to you anymore. It is not a day to perform any delicate tasks.
- Poor reasoning skills/Direction following/Problem Solving: Your brain is heavy and sluggish…Any thinking you are trying to do feels like significant effort and like trying to swim upstream against a really strong current. Forget trying to follow even a simple explanation…You get lost after about the third word.
- Automatic things become not automatic: The windshield wipers need to be turned on, but you can’t remember how. A simple sign in a store directing you to a particular department is so baffling that you have to ask for help. You have to think through every step of things you have done a million times.
- Your movements slow down: Your brain isn’t working, your body can’t respond efficiently.
- You feel like you are walking in a fuzz bubble.
- You question whether or not you should even be driving or cooking or doing anything that requires attention for safety reasons.
- You feel like you are wading through glue.
Yup…that was my day yesterday. And I kind of careened from appointment to appointment to appointment with no time to get my feet under me. After Art Therapy, I had to sit in my car for quite a while to collect myself (become present) enough to leave the parking garage. Then I thought I might run a quick errand before seeing my PNP…I quickly realized that was a bad idea because I was sooo unfocused. Instead, I drove to her office and sat in the parking lot, zoned out, staring at the lake for about 35 minutes, until I was so cold that I had to go inside and wait in the waiting room to warm up.
Anyway…With all those appointments, lots of stuff got said to me yesterday which I have not processed yet. And I don’t even know how much I will remember when I sit down and start thinking about them.
I still feel fuzzy and disconnected this morning…That “things feel far away” feeling…Hopefully, I can be more pulled together because the world doesn’t stop just because I am dissociated.
At least I don’t have to work today.