Processing Thursday’s Appointments
My nutritionist appointment actually went okay. I wasn’t nervous like I thought I would be, but I expect that was because I was already emotionally checked out.
Wednesday night, I had decided I would not print out the text from my blog and show it to her…That I just couldn’t be that open (vulnerable). And then not even ten minutes later, I got a text from my friend L which said, “Just had a chance to read today’s blog. I totally think you should print it out for [the Nutritionist]. She gets it, and it will help her to help you.”
Now, I really respect L and her thoughts. And I decided that if L thought I should share the blog, then maybe I should.
So, after the quick ice breaking chit chat at my appointment, I started explaining my food issue with the Nutritionist and then I gave her the print out of my blog to read. After she read it, she said she wanted to give me a hug (which I allowed) and told me that there is nothing wrong with me…That I am okay. (I don’t remember her exact words as I was only half present.) Then she said that it had been really helpful to read it and that she was glad to see that I had good insight as to what was going on with me and why.
And then? She didn’t judge me, she didn’t shame me, she didn’t anything me. She took me exactly where I am right now. She did some education with me about how super low calorie eating is not healthful but she did not belabor the point. She was glad to hear that I still eat three meals a day. And then she took a food “inventory” of what I am eating. I eat pretty much the same thing every day…So that was easy. We talked about the limited food choices I make and how they are “safe” foods for me (safe meaning that I can eat them and still lose weight.), which is why I stick to them. Then we made a list of the foods that I had been eating before that were “safe” too, but that I have not been eating.
She asked me to add an afternoon snack back into my routine. Honestly, it terrified me…And she could tell, so she asked me how I was feeling about it and the reassured me that it would be okay and it would slow down my weight loss, not enough to be healthy, but as a step towards reaching healthy weight loss again. But…I didn’t do it on Thursday. I rationalized that she meant I could start the next day. Then yesterday, I forgot. Oops.
I am also supposed to add a little more variety to my meals (adding back some of the other safe foods). It is crazy how much anxiety that causes me. However, I am also supposed to work on some anxiety management techniques.
I felt like the appointment was helpful…I don’t know how I will do with following through but I at least feel like I am pointed in the right direction.
The Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner:
This appointment was an hour after my AT appointment and I walked in pretty fried. However, I noticed that my PNP had added a small basket of stuffed animals on her floor and I could see that there was a stuffed bunny in it. I haven’t mentioned it on my blog before, but I have a thing for bunnies and have had house rabbits in the past. I don’t talk about it because each of them died quite suddenly from illnesses and I am still traumatized about it. (And at this point it has been a few years since then.) But I digress…So I picked up the bunny and stroked its fuzzy ears. And I absorbed the room around me…Her windows, her curtains, her plants, her desk and hand lotion and tea pot and calendars…And I thought to myself, “I am safe here.” And I kind of nestled down, comforted with that knowledge.
We talked about the flashback. My PNP likes details on things, so she asked several questions. I told her as much as I could, but I DO NOT discuss the contents of my flashbacks so she didn’t get that out of me. Although now that I think about it…I am not sure she even asked.
We talked about a zillion other things like we always do and then we wound our way to talking about meds. And somehow the conversation prompted me to say that I feel irritable all the time and just plain bitchy (especially at home). She reminded me that my Fetzima is a SNRI (serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor) and that the N part of it can make one testy. It can also give you energy and some get up and go…Which is why I started it…but it can make you irritable and bitchy.
And so…..I agreed to a med dosing change! Even on the first day that she mentioned it!! I am increasing the Lamictal so that we can then decrease the Fetzima. She does not want to just decrease the Fetzima without bolstering me with the Lamictal to keep my mood from dropping. I don’t know what made me feel receptive to making an immediate change…but I trust her and if it makes sense to her to change the dosing, then it is okay with me.
The Art Therapist
I am still working on processing that appointment…Partly because I only remember it in bits and pieces…and even of those, I feel like it wasn’t really me who was there, and partly because I am not sure quite what was happening during the parts that I do remember.