Not Quite Back From The Flashback and I Can’t Do Therapy Right and Yoga Goals

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Not Quite Back From The Flashback

I thought that I was over the flashback trauma and back to baseline…But I am not.  My hyper-startling is on overdrive.  Things that haven’t bothered me are just killing me.  The phone rings and I jump out of my skin.  The dog barks, ds closes a cupboard door loudly and I startle and feel a wave of adrenaline rush through my body.  But what really showed me that I am having a hard time is that I even hyper-startled at work yesterday…And for the most part, I can keep my PTSD shit out of work.  But I was in a patient’s room, the door was closed and someone knocked on the door and my whole body jolted.   

Another thing I’ve noticed is the aftermath of Thursday’s dissociation.  Like my pocketbook yesterday morning (the first time I had looked at it since Thurs) was a total mess.  I was looking at it and thinking, “Why is my driver’s license here and my debit card there…That makes no sense.” And then I realized…Thursday.  Dissociation.  Scrambled thinking.  And then it did make sense.  I have found a few other little things that also were clearly evidence of my scrambled thinking on Thursday and Friday too.  It’s sort of like I left a little trail behind me.

I Can’t Do Therapy Right

Speaking of dissociation…The AT kind of called me out on it yesterday.  That is to say he told me (and this is a very liberal paraphrase here) that I need to stop dissociating in session and be present to allow myself to feel and get better.  As if I have any control over it.   But then again….I could make more of an effort to pull myself back from it when he is trying to bring me back into the room and into the present.  And I did try that some yesterday….partly successfully.

Now…There is a part of me (that I am fighting) that wants me to hear that what the AT said is blaming me for my lack of progress.  And that negative voice wants me to internalize the blame and turn it into festering self-hatred. My mind hasn’t done this twisty game with me in a while…Twisting what the AT says into something negative….I’m not sure why it is tormenting me with it right now.  I am pretty sure the AT wasn’t trying to blame me….but I just have this little nagging piece of doubt.

It’s still all about trust, isn’t it?  I wish I did a better job of trusting him.

Yoga Goals

Maybe I should have just posted the Yoga Instructor’s full email yesterday because I am about to quote it again.  One of the things she said was, “I am most interested to learn from you what your *goals* are in coming to yoga.  We can work together to create classes that will most nourish you in and outside of the studio.”  So…I have been thinking about my goals in preparation for tomorrow…Nothing conclusive yet…But the wheels are turning.

6 thoughts on “Not Quite Back From The Flashback and I Can’t Do Therapy Right and Yoga Goals

  1. some of the reactions you are/were having sounds familiar to me, the being easily startled. I was on SRUI (serotonin reuptake inhibitors) once, and became easily startled. one time I saw something out of the corner of my eye and almost jumped out of my skin. It was the smoke from the cigarette I was smoking. I stopped taking the SRUI that day.
    I am not saying you should stop your medicine. We are different. Was just sharing my experience in case it is useful to you in some way.

    • Thanks, Regine. I am pretty sure it is not a product of my meds. I have been on my meds for quite a while and am stable in terms of side-effects. Having been through this kind of PTSD exacerbation before, I know that PTSD is the cause. I am also feeling a bit hypervigilant…needing to check the door locks, feeling less safe at home….Just kind of a higher level of arousal. Once my brain settles down from the flashback, I should be back on a more even keel. Hopefully, that will happen fast!!!

  2. I can’t say that my startle response has lessened really. I wish I could. I went down to the basement about 10pm last night to look for frames. Samuel was on the couch where I fully expected him to stay. He didn’t. I turned around hearing a noise while I was going through a box fully focused on the frames and saw a man and could not make it sense of it, screaming out loud, my entire body in an adrenaline rush. I’m almost used to it, and try to make jokes about it, but I told Samuel I wanted to shoot him. I was so mad this time, slamming a few doors when I came upstairs.
    Not sure that helps at all. I am sorry you suffer similar effects too. They do heighten depending on circumstances and I suppose with all I’m going through I am on edge. Hope yours subsides soon.

    • Yes, it helps. 🙂 But I am sad that you share the experience. I have had similar experiences as yours with Samuel…Shadowy edges of the unexpected man-figure jolt the not-so-shadowy edges of deeply ingrained panic. For me…It often happens when dh comes to bed just after I have fallen asleep. So complicated are our brains…

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