Not Quite Back From The Flashback
I thought that I was over the flashback trauma and back to baseline…But I am not. My hyper-startling is on overdrive. Things that haven’t bothered me are just killing me. The phone rings and I jump out of my skin. The dog barks, ds closes a cupboard door loudly and I startle and feel a wave of adrenaline rush through my body. But what really showed me that I am having a hard time is that I even hyper-startled at work yesterday…And for the most part, I can keep my PTSD shit out of work. But I was in a patient’s room, the door was closed and someone knocked on the door and my whole body jolted.
Another thing I’ve noticed is the aftermath of Thursday’s dissociation. Like my pocketbook yesterday morning (the first time I had looked at it since Thurs) was a total mess. I was looking at it and thinking, “Why is my driver’s license here and my debit card there…That makes no sense.” And then I realized…Thursday. Dissociation. Scrambled thinking. And then it did make sense. I have found a few other little things that also were clearly evidence of my scrambled thinking on Thursday and Friday too. It’s sort of like I left a little trail behind me.
I Can’t Do Therapy Right
Speaking of dissociation…The AT kind of called me out on it yesterday. That is to say he told me (and this is a very liberal paraphrase here) that I need to stop dissociating in session and be present to allow myself to feel and get better. As if I have any control over it. But then again….I could make more of an effort to pull myself back from it when he is trying to bring me back into the room and into the present. And I did try that some yesterday….partly successfully.
Now…There is a part of me (that I am fighting) that wants me to hear that what the AT said is blaming me for my lack of progress. And that negative voice wants me to internalize the blame and turn it into festering self-hatred. My mind hasn’t done this twisty game with me in a while…Twisting what the AT says into something negative….I’m not sure why it is tormenting me with it right now. I am pretty sure the AT wasn’t trying to blame me….but I just have this little nagging piece of doubt.
It’s still all about trust, isn’t it? I wish I did a better job of trusting him.
Maybe I should have just posted the Yoga Instructor’s full email yesterday because I am about to quote it again. One of the things she said was, “I am most interested to learn from you what your *goals* are in coming to yoga. We can work together to create classes that will most nourish you in and outside of the studio.” So…I have been thinking about my goals in preparation for tomorrow…Nothing conclusive yet…But the wheels are turning.