Yesterday’a mandala was done in haste and lack of time…I tried to pass it off as done, but you know, I just couldn’t do it. It was incomplete…and it wanted completion. So, this morning I spent the time to let it unfold the way it wanted to be. This is the first re-run in this post.
The second re-run is a post that I didn’t post yet…That is to say that I have been sort of journaling into Word, when I have snippets of ideas or things I want to get out of my brain, I have just jotted them down in word. I thought about this yesterday, and thought to myself, “Well that’s what the blog is for!” and decided to pull them back into my blog. Here’s one I wrote sometime last weekend. It goes nicely with the blog post that I actually wrote for today.
On Thursday, I sent the AT a quick email regarding his days off over the holidays. I had meant to look at his sign in the office (he always posts a little sign with upcoming days off) but in the midst of my dissociative mess, I forgot to look. It turns out, he is taking enough time off that I will miss three appointments. And he closed his response email with this, “Let’s talk about it on Monday and come up with a plan for your safety.”
And his words kind of struck me….I never would have thought of myself as someone who needs a safety plan while her therapist is away. And yet, I probably do….Well…given where I am in this point and how this fall has gone and that my PNP is tweaking meds, probably a safety plan is a great idea.
But what happened to me? What happened to the person that I used to be? How did I get so lost and unable to cope? Honestly, it makes me kind of sad. Depression sucks. PTSD sucks. Anxiety sucks. I wish I was just a normal person.
Then I was kind of thinking about what else about me is something that I never thought of myself as(And this is not a pity party, but some actual reflection on my part).
- I never thought I would be someone who is convinced that being sexually abused was my own fault.
- I never thought I would be at a point where having a job would be almost impossible because I couldn’t hack it emotionally.
- I never thought I would have frequent thoughts of suicide and self-harm.
- I never thought I would have to take psych meds
- I never thought I would be depressed for 7+ years
- I never thought I would have severe social anxiety.
- I never thought my life would be so disrupted by mental illness.
- I never thought that every day would be tinted black by hopelessness
I guess that the one that summarizes it all is that I never thought my life would be so disrupted by mental illness.
Sometimes, I am amazed at how much of my life has been impacted by early childhood sexual trauma. And I wonder how it is that I made it until the age of 36 without falling apart. And sometimes, I wonder what would have happened to my life had I not had the trigger in 2008 (when I was 36) that spiraled me into this chronic depression. I mean, would all this have happened eventually anyway? I guess the answer to that is probably…the ball had already started rolling prior to 2008, I just didn’t have a clue as to what was going on.
Work (Today’s actual post.)
I am off to work today. I didn’t expect they’d need me, but it is good…I need the paycheck. I am also working Sunday and then again on Monday. It’s turning into a busy few days for me.
A month or so ago, they hired a new guy. He gives me the creeps. <shudder> It is one of those things that I can’t quite put my finger on…But when I introduced myself to him and we did social niceties, my alarms bells were ringing and my gut was telling me, “Noooooo!” And the social niceties? Were weird…he was very cagey with my friendly questions, like me asking him where he was from. Standard kind of question for someone new…What’s there to be cagey about? Anyway, he works on Fridays so unless he’s out and that’s why the need me, I will be giving him a wide berth.
It is not often that I have such an immediate and visceral reaction to someone…I will not ignore it.
Okay…this is a venting kind of rant about the AT.
Sometimes, that man just makes me crazy! Or crazier, as the case may be. Last week, he had this idea that we should make a “Safety Plan” for me over the holidays since he is going to be gone for a long time and I will miss 3 consecutive appointments. Given how my fall has gone…It’s probably a good idea. So, Monday I brought it up and he had no idea what I was talking about. <eye roll> We did talk about it some on Monday and then I said I would look into seeing what I could get lined up. So, I brought it up again yesterday….He had no idea what I was talking about. <extra exasperated eye roll> Really? It was his fucking idea!!! At least I remembered and have been working on my plan. But when I talk to him about it again and he doesn’t know what I am talking about, I might just scream! (No…I wouldn’t really scream. I would just seethe quietly.) I suppose it doesn’t matter if he remembers or not since it is my plan and I am the one putting it together…But it still irritates me.
The other think that irritated me about it when we discussed it on Monday was that he made an assumption about how I would feel if he offered to call me to check in on me over his vacation. Now…the last time that turned into the Forgetting Incident, so I can say that it didn’t go so well….But he just assumed that I would turn him down if he offered this time. To that, I say…Hmph! Maybe I would turn him down, but he didn’t even give me the choice.
And then, he said we still had trust/healing work to do about the Forgetting Incident, but didn’t actually pursue it. <grumble> Sometimes, he makes me very cranky.
Hmmm…You know what all this means? It must mean that our therapy relationship is going really well for me. Because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t care and I would just write him off. But I do care and so sometimes, I feel really peeved by him. Huh….How’s that for round-about thinking? “I know I like working with you because you piss me off.” Oooh…and even better….And, “I trust you enough that I can write in my blog that you piss me off and know that it won’t make you go away.” (Because I know he reads my blog and will see it.)
So…there’s that trust thing again. Only this time, I am actually affirming the trust. Maybe I am finally making it work.