So, at lunch at work yesterday, Maternity Mom asked me what I thought of New Guy. “Creepy.” I said. And she whole-heartedly agreed. <phew> It is not just me! We went on to discuss him a little bit, how he kind of looks right through you and makes you feel small. Plus of course, the creepy factor. And you know what she said, “At least I only have to work with him one day a week.” (Their schedules only overlap 1x/week.) That is exactly my sentiment…Although I am hoping to very rarely overlap with him.
My Work With The Nutritionist
I am feeling a bit challenged by my Nutritionist homework Let me back track a second….It has become very clear to me that there is a direct correlation between how I am feeling (i.e. “bad” feelings) and my need to hyper-focus on what and how much I am eating. And the hyper-focus results in exacerbating my minimalist eating. So, for instance, flashback week? I had a super narrow food repertoire and pretty severely restricted what I ate. Last week, I was able to diversify more and I tried to boost my calories some. This weekend, I was stressed and the hyper-focus kicked in with the limited repertoire and minimal calories. Oh yes…And pretty intense anxiety about gaining weight. Saturday, I sat down to my lunch and just wanted to cry because I had to eat it. And then I felt sick to my stomach. I ate it anyway. I hate my stupid fucked up brain. But I am trying to make it work right. It’s just hard.
Anyway, at each appointment the N and I set up goals for the time between sessions. She also writes down things that she wants me to keep in mind. I keep the paper right on my drawing desk so that it reminds me of what I am supposed to be working on. I pulled it out last night and took a look at it. So far…I am not doing so well. Luckily, I have until the 21st (my next appointment) to try to get on track.
Here are my goals….Or as it says on my printout, Patient Identified Goal of:
- Diversify dinners. Fail #1
- If mood is affecting hyper-focus, use a reminder phrase to decrease hyper-focus. Fail #2
- Weight can fluctuate a few pounds especially after eating high salt foods or eating out. It is normal. Don’t worry it will go back down. So…I was not liking this one when she said it at our meeting, and I still don’t like it. I’d better not see any numbers on the scale go up. That is not okay with me. So in respect to not worrying about it…Fail #3
- See if there are other rigid routines you do daily in addition to food. Okay…this one, I asked dh about in case my reality is skewed. I do love routines, but I don’t think any others are super rigid and dh agrees with that.
- Try making moo shu with cabbage and find a GF hoisin sauce. This falls under the diversify fail.
- Eggs are okay. Another diversify fail.
Okay…I have seven days to pull myself together and reverse some of those fails. Will it be today? Not likely. I need to get the hyper-focus under control first and between therapy and work, that’s not likely to happen today.
More On Christmas
I read this on Saturday and thought I would share. It is another post from The Emotional Geographic, Trauma And The Holidays: 3 Practices To Reclaim Joy I think all 3 practices are good advice, but I particularly liked this section out of Practice 3: Take a break.
So in the midst of holiday trauma triggers—help yourself remember that it is the present by letting yourself take breaks: Just walk outside for a moment and take a deep breath of air. Or, listen to music that doesn’t remind you of the holidays, or read a book about something entirely different. Distract yourself with a stupid old TV show for an hour. Fix that shelf or replace the batteries in your household appliances. Change the conversation to something that helps you connect to your self in a way that helps you feel grounded. And if you are worried about what people will think if you need to leave the conversation –offer to wash the dishes or walk the dog, or read the kids bedtime stories—and they will be grateful. The main thing is that you stop the action for a moment and give yourself a break.
This makes me think about healing from trauma in a much more global way. What if it’s okay to just walk away and give yourself a break? What would it mean to give yourself a trauma break? A break from self-loathing, self-blame, shame, doubt, fear, anxiety….? Is it even possible?