I Will Start Again Tomorrow
I am not sure what particular bit of Monday’s therapy session triggered the tsunami which swept across my island fortress and dragged me out to sea to drown. But I cannot look inside myself to find out what has me flailing. I just don’t want so see any of it. I don’t care anymore what is inside of me. I don’t care what was my fault or wasn’t or what was fair or wasn’t or if I matter or don’t. I just don’t care anymore.
It’s strange too…I don’t really feel anything…not even numb. It’s like my brain has been swept of feeling. I should be sad or in pain or mad or something…but it’s just dead. Well, except for sweeping waves of some kind of visceral exhaustion.
I can’t do it all at once. I can’t instantly change every belief that I’ve had. I can’t make my brain shift, skipping gears along the way. Actually, that is a good analogy. Trying to push past gears has made my brain stall and it just is sputtering and can’t catch again. I need to go back to the beginning and restart and then work my way up as I get my momentum back. But I don’t have a starting point to return to. So, I am lost.
But….I am about as stubborn as they come. So, I will pick myself up and brush myself off and keep going. I don’t need to care about what is inside of me today. I can give myself a break. Tomorrow is another day, another round of therapy and it can be another beginning. There’s no rule, right? I get to start over as many times as I need to?