I Will Start Again Tomorrow

I Will Start Again Tomorrow

I am not sure what particular bit of Monday’s therapy session triggered the tsunami which swept across my island fortress and dragged me out to sea to drown.  But I cannot look inside myself to find out what has me flailing.  I just don’t want so see any of it.  I don’t care anymore what is inside of me.  I don’t care what was my fault or wasn’t or what was fair or wasn’t or if I matter or don’t. I just don’t care anymore.

It’s strange too…I don’t really feel anything…not even numb.  It’s like my brain has been swept of feeling.  I should be sad or in pain or mad or something…but it’s just dead.  Well, except for sweeping waves of some kind of visceral exhaustion.

I can’t do it all at once. I can’t instantly change every belief that I’ve had.  I can’t make my brain shift, skipping gears along the way.  Actually, that is a good analogy.  Trying to push past gears has made my brain stall and it just is sputtering and can’t catch again.  I need to go back to the beginning and restart and then work my way up as I get my momentum back.  But I don’t have a starting point to return to.  So, I am lost.

But….I am about as stubborn as they come.  So, I will pick myself up and brush myself off and keep going.  I don’t need to care about what is inside of me today.  I can give myself a break.  Tomorrow is another day, another round of therapy and it can be another beginning. There’s no rule, right? I get to start over as many times as I need to?

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