Another Year: Endings And Beginnings
While I was sleeping last night, the old Solar Year ended and the New Solar year began, though we will not see it for another couple of hours yet, when the sun rises.
I am really glad to see last year gone…But not all of it. There are parts of last year that I want to carry with me into this year and beyond.
The hard part of last year was my depression…And though I have had worse years with my depression, until 2015, I had never felt crushed by such hopelessness and end-of-my-ropeness. When I started the year, I had pretty nearly given up completely. And the year continued to challenge me. I don’t think I have ever felt as suicidal as I did this year. I felt so suicidal, that at times I scared myself….And I have been in my head a long time…It takes a lot to scare me! And paired with the suicidal thoughts were thoughts of self-harm and an occasional self-harming action or two. Not a good year.
But all of the bad brought a lot of good to me. First of all, I am still here. And I am in one piece. The resilience that I was sure was failing me….I still have it! And it feels stronger as I end the year than when I started.
I have grown closer to dh as I open myself up more and more…I think I have finally figured out that he loves me no matter what and that my depression is not going to push him away. It only took me twenty years to figure that out…But the fact that I got there is pretty huge for me.
I have rekindled friendships this year and started a new one. I like having friends! When I first became depressed, friends were the first thing to go. I just couldn’t hack it. But now, I really look forward to seeing and talking to my friends. And I feel lucky because the friends I have right now, the “real” friends, they know about me, the Real Me, and they still accept me. This kind of boggles my mind…But I am going to just accept it and let it inspire thoughts like, “Maybe I am okay just the way I am.”
And of course, one of the biggest “goods” that came out of this year was the development of Team Heidi. The AT, my PNP, my Yoga Instructor and the Nutritionist. Every time I turn around, one of them is there reminding me that I am strong and that I will make it and that I have worth. I don’t always see these things for myself so it is really nice to have frequent encouragement. Plus, they all share the same goal as me, they want to see me as a happy and whole person who can enjoy her life and manage the ups-and-downs without crashing.
I had no idea that I would be building such a team. Nor did I have any idea that I would build such a strong team. They all are passionate about their work and it shows. And each one has a different approach and perspective, but they complement each other perfectly…Kind of like pieces of a puzzle fitting together. And I trust and feel safe with each person on my team.
All that “bad” from last year? It brought me an abundance of good. Funny how that works.
So…As the sun rises this morning, and I look ahead to the new Solar year…What do I want? I have been thinking about this for the past several days….What do I want?
I think what I would really like is to learn that I am safe in the world. And that I am okay. And that I do have worth and that I matter. And I would like to start to like myself and to feel whole and exquisite. And I would like to take care of myself spiritually.
It seems like a lot to want…And it will not be easy getting to the point where I feel all those things…But I feel like I am finally on the right path and have the right support and the strength and resiliency to get there. This is such a far cry from the beginning the year when simply being alive was a day to day struggle. But, I am already not the same person that I was a year ago or six months ago.
You know, I think the biggest thing I have been able to awaken over the past year (and this took lots of help and support from Team Heidi) is Hope. I don’t feel hopeless anymore. Sure…I have moments of hopelessness. But I don’t feel like my core is full of darkness anymore. I think a little seed has started to stir inside of me and that if I nurture it just right, it will start to grow. It kind of makes me feel like hugging myself! Maybe there is actually hope for me!!!