This is the last thing I need right now…But my anxiety has been picking up and last night, I was awake in bed between about 2:20 and 3 and then again between about 3:45 and 4:something. All I know is that the dogs got up at 4:45 and I had finally just fallen back asleep. And in between, I had anxiety dreams. <sigh> I don’t need anxiety right now and I definitely don’t need poor sleep…When I don’t sleep well, I struggle mood-wise. And I can’t catch up with a nap today because I have yoga (yay!), a doctor’s appt (stress) and then a playdate with SS and Pixie (fun!). So…I need to suck it up so I can still enjoy the fun things on agenda for the day.
Why am I anxious? For one, the doctor’s appointment. For two, Christmas Eve with my MIL and Christmas day with my parents. I am soo not emotionally ready.
But I suppose it doesn’t matter…My anxious things are going to happen whether I like them or not and whether I am ready or not. So…I will just suck it up and keep going.
Triple Decker Appointments
Well…Monday’s triple-decker-appointment day was a far cry from the one a few weeks back when I was in my post-flashback dissociative haze. It’s almost startling in how different a place I can be in just a very short amount of time.
The AT appointment was good. I showed him a video/slideshow I had put together. I will post it here, but have to figure how I am going to do it, as you can’t directly upload video to WordPress. The slideshow is kind of a “tribute” to the pre-trauma me and her subsequent losses. I don’t really know exactly why I made it…The AT had been talking about starting at the beginning, with the pre-trauma me, and then a couple of days later…This idea popped into my head. It’s one of those things that felt right to do, even though I am not sure where it came from.
He also gave me a homework assignment to work on for the next week and a half. A way of communicating to the pre-trauma me. I am working on it in my head but I can’t quite get myself to sit down and start it.
After the AT, I saw my PNP. When she asked how I was doing I told her, “Great!” Because (current anxiety aside) I really do feel good right now. And she whipped out a PHQ-9. (Food for thought…why does it peeve me when my primary physician pulls out a PHQ-9, but I don’t bat an eye when my PNP does it?) Anyway…after filling the form out “Heidi-style” my PNP scored it and I got a 4.5 (there are not really half-points, unless it’s filled out Heidi-style). 4.5….That puts me in the not depressed range. I think it might be the best score I have had on a depression screen since I started seeing my PNP in August of 2010. That said…I am a bit skeptical. It all depends if I can hold the mood…and historically, that hasn’t happened. Of course, historically, I haven’t had such strong support as I have now either, nor have I been on Lamictal…Time will tell. I am not jumping on board the remission train yet. I don’t want to set myself up for failure.
That part of my appointment went really well.
Then we got talking about nutrition. And my need to express control through eating….or barely eating as the case may be. And my PNP was not happy. Or really, she was very concerned. And I got some more patient education about how super low cal eating is bad for my body. And when I related some physical and memory issues I have been having lately (which I attributed to the increase in my Lamictal) she was even more concerned. And then she said she was going to call in check in with the AT and then she said she was going to call and check in with my primary physician too. And I am not stupid, I understand that means that she is very concerned.
So…My last appointment of the day was with the Nutritionist. And she was very concerned as well. And when she did the math on my basal metabolic rate, my current calorie intake and my exercise…She said that we have to increase my calorie intake ASAP. ASAP, but gradually so as not cause further health issues that can be caused from switching from really low calories to high(er) calories. And then she said she was going to talk to my primary physician.
As a matter of fact, after I left my appointment, they called me and wanted me to come back…But I didn’t get the message in time. I go back today to see my primary and for blood work and I am dreading what my physician is going to say to me. <sigh> Also my Nutritionist is emailing me today to check in with me.
Oh…and the Nutritionist had a long conversation with me about my Thinking Brain vs my Eating Disorder Brain. (I understand the concept, though I think of it as my Logical Brain vs. my Emotional/Irrational Brain.) Anyway, the Thinking Brain, it gets it…what I am supposed to do, why I need to do it, how to take care of myself. And the Eating Disorder Brain….It screams at me and scares me and it has to have total control. And at the moment, it is clearly winning. I can see it when I look objectively…I am just not sure how to fix it.
The Nutritionist gave me some goals for the week: Increase my calorie intake (I agreed to add a daily Lara bar to my food repertoire), stop weighing myself daily because I am just reinforcing the negative behavior (except I did weigh myself yesterday and then I weighed myself this morning because of my dr’s appt), plan what I am eating at my MIL’s and my parents’ for holiday meals to reduce my food anxiety, and add salt to my diet. I did ask her if I had to eat a whole Lara bar each day…and she said yes. That will be hard but I did do it yesterday.
It is going to be a long week. I may have a food-related nervous breakdown before it is over and since my anxiety is already ramping up…well….We’ll just see what happens.