I Am Surviving and Physician Probation and Anything Else?

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For my friends who celebrate Christmas…I’d like to wish you a very Merry Christmas.  I hope you have a peaceful and joyous day. 

 I am surviving.

I may not be super happy with the extended family stuff, but I am surviving. Dinner at my MIL’s was tolerable. (Perhaps because I took a half a lorazepam?)  The good news is that since I couldn’t eat most of the food she made (gluten and meat)…I didn’t have to worry about eating too much.

We took a cauliflower dish to share that was made with chickpeas, so it covered my vegetarian needs and had some protein in it too.  Begrudgingly, my MIL took 4 chick peas to try, ate one and promptly spat it out with some dramatic fanning of her face, while saying, “It’s spicy…It’s too hot!”  I guess she wasn’t impressed.  And it wasn’t really very spicy at all.

This morning, we go over to my parents’ for brunch. <sigh>  But once that is over….I can fall back into my routine which will give me significant relief.  I don’t like all this food-at-other-people’s-houses…too stressful! I just want the comfort of my home-based introversion and food routines…It feels safest and I like it.

However, likely the Nutritionist will be pleased as I am diversifying…It may be forced diversification, but I am doing it.

Physician Probation

You may recall that my physician has been on probation with me.  When I saw her on Wednesday, she was much more her usual self.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I will admit, I had some worry as to how she would interact with me…But I got my old Physician back.  I hope it lasts!

Anything Else?

I did get to see my Pixie friend (and her mom) briefly on Wednesday evening.  Her mom had made me a gluten free banana bread (yummy!) and so they dropped it by.  Luckily, by the time they came, the lorazepam “drunkenness” was wearing off…So I was mostly back to myself.

I gave Pixie a little gift and then yesterday, her mom shared some pictures of Pixie exploring her gift.  It looks like she was having fun!

I really like Pixie…She reminds me of ds when he was that age, and she has spunk and sass and I find those traits very engaging, and she reminds me a lot of her mom.  She is a neat kiddo. And her mom is pretty awesome too!

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 Not too much else going on right now….I am kind of consumed with making it through Christmas which is not leaving too much time for anything else.

5 thoughts on “I Am Surviving and Physician Probation and Anything Else?

  1. since you welcome my comments, I dare say this, and you probably realize it anyway. The intense focus on food has more to do with a pretense created a long time ago by the ones causing the stress that now is intolerable. I say that not because I know it to be true for you (but it might be) but because I’ve reached a place where pretending is intolerable. Using food, (or intense focus on not using it) is a symptom of having no voice for horrific injuries to my mind, body and spirit and as a child being also forced to contain it . I ate, some stop eating. It comes out somehow.
    Others do drugs, even die, either by drugs or their own hand.
    Of course you are doing your doing your best. But some of us hurt our own selves rather than hurt others. And it still is in my make-up that I must be quiet because telling my truth will hurt others. Just others having to hear my truth? That is so mixed up. I lived it. I’ve been tortured with it. My mother’s admonishments carved me into a being that cares only about others, as if my own needs don’t matter. It still permeates my being and probably always will. But I am slowly living and voicing my truth.
    It isn’t easy. I’d like to hide from it too, same as them. I cannot.
    I’m feeling scared for you.

    • I sometimes feel like I swap around pathologies. Like, I have all these crummy coping skills to over-ride feeling anything. And I try to do better, like not emotional eating anymore…but that made self-harming start again, so I stopped self-harming and up popped the barely eating….It’s all about controlling my feelings or just plain being in control. And while I understand this logically, I am sort of at the mercy of my illogical thinking. Plus, my current coping, the eating very little, is way more rewarding than other coping techniques. And my brain is soo entrenched in it….I have no idea how to stop.

      You would think that a trip to the ER because maybe my super low-cal diet was hurting my heart would have been enough to scare me, but it was not. My biggest concern was, “What if they tell me I have to eat more?” followed by panic. And then when they didn’t find anything physically wrong with me, not only did I feel relieved, but I felt vindicated…Like now I have permission to keep it up.

      I do have my support team to help reel me in…If I can actually hear what they are saying. But really, I suppose that I need to find peace withing myself, peace from (as you said so perfectly), “having no voice for horrific injuries to my mind, body and spirit and as a child being also forced to contain it.” This is where I need my support team the most…And people like you…To both understand and encourage me to move forward.

      But….enough of that for today! I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. I can’t wait to see pictures of those sweet grandchildren of yours celebrating the magic of Christmas!! ((hugs))

      • Coping skills our minds create are a show of brilliance, the brilliance of survival. You do have a great team, which inspires me to build my own up a little.
        Love to you. (I can safely feel such things from afar)
        Patricia

      • Yes…My previous therapist used to push that point that “poor” coping skills are not inherently bad…They are the best that we could do at the time, being of limited age and resources. The idea is to replace them with more age-appropriate and functional skills. Sometimes, it helps me to remember that, especially when my self-judgment and self-frustrations at not doing it “right” creep in.

        I wholeheartedly encourage you to build a strong support team…I am not sure I would alive right now if I did not have my team.

        And I am sending love right back at you! ((hugs)) again.

        Heidi

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