Exhaustion and Sleeves and Food/Eating & Shame and Flower Bulbs

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Exhaustion

Last night, I was beyond tired.  I don’t know if it was the stress of Christmas Eve and Christmas catching up with me, or if it is from decreasing my Fetzima dose or what…But I was so tired I was in bed at about quarter to seven and I slept until about quarter past 6.  11 and 1/2 hours!!!  I never sleep that long!

Sleeves

The bruises on my arms from the IV and blood draw in the ER are pretty big…One is quarter sized, but the other is half dollar sized.  And they are dark and really show.  I am not happy and I hope they are gone by tomorrow when I have to go to work.  I never wear long sleeves to work and I don’t even have a long sleeve shirt that is compliant with the uniform.  I also have a bruise on the back of my hand (from the first blood draw attempt.)  And to top it off, I have a pretty big bruise on another spot on my arm (I think maybe from falling in yoga?).  I am pretty much the worse for wear.  <sigh>  I’m hoping for miraculously quick healing!

Food/Eating And Shame

I realize that I have been talking about my food issues on my blog a lot recently.  If my blog topics are any reflection of the amount of time I spend thinking about a particular issue, then it makes sense my food issues are getting more blog time lately.

Also…since the AT is gone forever on his vacation, I don’t have any Art Therapy inspired thoughts to share.  And since I never talk about food or food issues in Art Therapy, it makes sense that since he is gone, I feel like I can talk about that stuff.

Why don’t I talk about that stuff with him?  Shame.  Plain and simple.  It is way too shameful to bring it up and then to look at it. (Because you know you can never just bring something up in therapy…it has to be processed and discussed.)  I do talk about my food stuff with my PNP as we have broached it in the past and I don’t quite feel like I am going to die of shame to talk about it more.  That said, we skirt the heavy emotional stuff and mostly talk about the medical stuff.  And the Nutritionist…Well…I still burn from shame in there…But seeing her and not talking about food stuff would be sort of pointless…She is after all a nutritionist! And that makes the shame tolerable.  But with her, I don’t get into all the feelings stuff either, I really just gloss over it.

So, the one person who would be most helpful to discuss it all with, the AT?  In his presence, I am paralyzed by shame and can’t even broach the topic. I have pretty much no shame tolerance with him at all.   It’s my fucked up brain screwing me again.  If I talked to him, I would build some tolerance, but since I can’t, I perpetuate the shame.

Funny…I was going to talk about my eating issues today, but I feel a little guarded about it so I think I will let it go for today.  And I didn’t expect to talk about how shame impacts my ability to talk about this stuff in therapy….Must be the shame is a bigger issue than I realized.  I guess that doesn’t really surprise me.

Flower Bulbs

I want to talk about something totally different now.

So, we have been having the craziest mild weather for December.  These snowy hinterlands are not snowy at all!  Because of this, I was able to get my bulbs into the ground on Thursday morning.  I planted some tulip bulbs, red, yellow and purple which I am pretty excited about.  I also planted crocuses (croci).  Little crocus faces popping out of the snow in the very early spring are one of the most uplifting sights of the season.  Pretty much everyone one has them, some nicely planted in flower beds, but many just pop up here and there on people’s lawns. I realized last year that I didn’t have any crocuses anywhere on our property.  Clearly, that needed fixing!  I only planted about 3 dozen crocus bulbs…another 6 or 7 dozen would suit me just fine!! J  Next fall, I will plant more.  And hopefully I won’t procrastinate until mid-December to get them finally planted!!

 

 

 

6 thoughts on “Exhaustion and Sleeves and Food/Eating & Shame and Flower Bulbs

  1. Well, next spring they will multiply all on their own even if you don’t get to it. I just love crocuses.
    I would have a very hard time talking to a man about eating issues, you’re not fucked up about that at all, or about anything.

    • Glad to hear that my crocuses will make more crocuses! 🙂

      I hear you about the gender issue….I don’t know if/how much that comes into play. I kind of want to die of shame when talking with my Nutritionist and she’s a woman…For me, I think it is less of a gender issue and more of a vulnerability issue.

      I wish I could believe you that I am not fucked up…But when I look at myself, all I see is fucked up.

  2. I read two books recently, well, listened to the audiobook version. Resilience by Boris Cyrulnik and Controlling People by Patricia Evans. The reason I mention it here, because it somehow ties in with your blog too, and of course with my life.

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