I am struggling right now. My brain and mood are all scrambled up. I am restless and edgy and sad. The drop in my Fetzima dose was quickly followed by a drop in my mood. I have discussed this with my PNP and she has me poised to increase my dose…But…we are waiting on the report from Cardiology. While I wait, I am just having a hard time. Yesterday, I was in that black place of emotional pain and hopelessness. I just wanted to climb into bed and disappear.
I Don’t Need The AT
I also spent a fair amount of time yesterday feeling like I was really missing the AT. And then I felt kind of mad at myself about it. I do NOT need the AT. Nope, nope, nope. Clearly, I have let myself become too dependent on him if I feel like I need him when he is gone. I will button that down pretty quickly. I shouldn’t need him and I don’t need to miss him. And it was a lapse on my part to forget that.
Speaking Of Failures
I am really struggling with my current Nutritionist goals. She is going to hate me when I see her again on Monday. <sigh> I cannot make myself eat my daily Lara bar. I just can’t do it. I have Lara bars, I even bought some different flavors to entice myself…But I can’t do it. Not only that…but I sabotaged myself in terms of another food too. My afternoon snack has been the lower calorie Smart Food popcorn. I’ve been eating it for weeks. (Since whenever the Nutritionist said I had to add an afternoon snack.) To make myself boost my calories, the last time I went to the grocery store, I didn’t buy the lower calorie version, I bought the regular version. And now I can’t make myself eat it. So, now I am in a worse place than where I started. (And the difference is a whopping 60 calories…So stupid that I can’t get past that!)
And to combine topics (The AT and Food issues)….So, I have been asked a few times this week if I am addressing the food issues with my therapist. Umm….No, I haven’t been doing that. Maybe I ought to bring it up? Cuz it will be soo much fun to talk about it and spend the whole time dying of shame.
I feel like I am just a wreck right now…And I am starting to feel like nothing I am doing is working. I don’t like feeling like I am sliding backwards.