Struggling and I Don’t Need The AT and Speaking Of Failures

Struggling

I am struggling right now.  My brain and mood are all scrambled up.  I am restless and edgy and sad.  The drop in my Fetzima dose was quickly followed by a drop in my mood.  I have discussed this with my PNP and she has me poised to increase my dose…But…we are waiting on the report from Cardiology.  While I wait, I am just having a hard time.  Yesterday, I was in that black place of emotional pain and hopelessness.  I just wanted to climb into bed and disappear.

I Don’t Need The AT

I also spent a fair amount of time yesterday feeling like I was really missing the AT.  And then I felt kind of mad at myself about it.   I do NOT need the AT.  Nope, nope, nope.  Clearly, I have let myself become too dependent on him if I feel like I need him when he is gone.  I will button that down pretty quickly.  I shouldn’t need him and I don’t need to miss him.  And it was a lapse on my part to forget that.

Speaking Of Failures

I am really struggling with my current Nutritionist goals.  She is going to hate me when I see her again on Monday.  <sigh>  I cannot make myself eat my daily Lara bar.  I just can’t do it.  I have Lara bars, I even bought some different flavors to entice myself…But I can’t do it.  Not only that…but I sabotaged myself in terms of another food too.  My afternoon snack has been the lower calorie Smart Food popcorn.  I’ve been eating it for weeks.  (Since whenever the Nutritionist said I had to add an afternoon snack.)  To make myself boost my calories, the last time I went to the grocery store, I didn’t buy the lower calorie version, I bought the regular version.  And now I can’t make myself eat it.  So, now I am in a worse place than where I started. (And the difference is a whopping 60 calories…So stupid that I can’t get past that!)

And to combine topics (The AT and Food issues)….So, I have been asked a few times this week if I am addressing the food issues with my therapist.  Umm….No, I haven’t been doing that.  Maybe I ought to bring it up?  Cuz it will be soo much fun to talk about it and spend the whole time dying of shame.

I feel like I am just a wreck right now…And I am starting to feel like nothing I am doing is working.  I don’t like feeling like I am sliding backwards.

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