Getting Perspective After Yesterday
I know…I know…I kind of spewed negativity yesterday. Some days just end up being like that.
Feeling like I need the AT? Makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t like that feeling, so my mind tries to find ways to circumvent that vulnerability. Of course, the easiest way to do that is to push him away or retreat….But really, that’s counterproductive in the long run. So…what do I need? Just Monday morning 8 a.m. Continuity and safety. Regular-ness and normalcy of routine. Reassurance from a safe person….That’s what I need. It is Saturday, so I am almost there.
Failing at nutrition? I am doing the best I can. The only person who is going to hate (or does hate me) me about how I am doing is me. And the only person who is going to size me up with scathing judgment…Is me. And if I can just cut myself some slack, then maybe I won’t only see the bad. Because, the other half of my nutrition assignment for the week was to diversify what I am eating. And I have been doing really well with that. Success/failure doesn’t have to be all or nothing. (I wonder how many times I have to say that before I actually believe it.)
And talking to the AT about my eating issues? Okay…this is the one impasse…I am not saying that I won’t try to talk to him…But I still don’t know how to do it without being just consumed by shame. And I don’t like shame, so I will avoid inflicting it on myself at all costs.
But hey, a different perspective on two out of three isn’t so bad, right?
Greater Appreciation For Team Heidi
It has taken me a couple of days to lick my wounds after seeing that other doctor on Wednesday (the one who I had to see because my Primary Physician didn’t have any appointments). I somewhat regret meeting with him. I was good…ready for the newness and then the first thing he asked me about was my anxiety. I about went through the roof! I understand that an anxiety attack can cause cardiac-type symptoms. I understand that anxiety can play with your body chemicals and cause fight or flight bursts which can cause cardiac-type symptoms. I understand all that. But I also know me and my body and my anxiety and how I respond and react and how my anxiety surges. And it is NOT the same as what has been going on.
And he knew I was peeved.
However, once we got over his transgression and my peevedness…The appointment went okay. I still really wish that it had been with my primary physician though…Someone who actually knows me. I am sick of spilling out my story and being open with people I don’t know. Like I said earlier this week, I am just overloaded.
Tossing in this new doctor has really shown me how much trust I have built with the official Team Heidi. I don’t think I will be allowing any other stand-ins.
And again, I will say that my PNP has been invaluable to me through this whole tachycardia/ER thing. She is doing a great job being the one-person Team Heidi. At this point, I could pretty much hug her!
And my health now? I think yesterday was the first day where I pretty much felt like my regular self and like everything was working like it is supposed to. Still no news from Cardiology in regards to the Holter monitor…But that’s not surprising given the holiday. The main downside to that is that I can’t get more Fetzima on board yet.