‘T’ Is For Trust
I have come to a realization. At some point, it will happen, I will cry in therapy. Every time I meet with the AT, I get a little bit closer to crying. And while I resist the impulse, I am not fighting it nearly as hard as I used to. And I don’t feel more and more like crying because the work is harder, I feel more and more like crying because I feel…well…Partly I feel defeated, but not in a bad away…More like I spend so much time and energy trying not to cry that it is exhausting and part of me is tired of the battle, so why bother to fight it so much? I don’t think this is bad, I think it is a kind of an awakening/awareness on my part. And another reason I feel more like crying is that I think it would be okay to cry in front of the AT. This is a huge thing for me. As a matter of fact, it is so huge, I am going to say it again. I think it would be okay to cry in front of the AT. And it boils down to the ‘T’ word. Trust.
Speaking of trust, I told the AT that he is no longer “new.” I mean, it has been 11 months that I have been working with him…The “new” status had to give at some point, iykwim. But what has happened is that I am no longer saying in my head, “Well, he’s new and that makes it hard,” or “He’s new and I don’t trust him yet,” or “He’s new so this is all so much work…Breaking in a new therapist is hard.” I think I might finally be letting myself trust him….I mean really trust him.
Well…and we talked about food/eating stuff. That wasn’t going to happen ever if I didn’t have a huge amount of trust in him.
And actually, talking about the food/eating/eating disorder stuff may have been the turning point. I let myself go there with him, I didn’t die of shame and he didn’t judge (not that he would…but I always assume that people will judge me). It is sort of a gateway topic to lots of the issues that I can’t bear to talk about like body image, self-worth, self-control, etc. Of course, he may not have realized that it is a gateway topic, so maybe the significance was lost on him…But I know. I know that I allowed him to look at something (even if only on the surface) that I don’t let anyone see. That takes some serious courage and trust on my part.
That said, he really made me angry twice yesterday! Really, the first time, I was feeling kind of hurt because I felt like he was invalidating me…And I think I have talked before about the fact that I turn hurt into anger so that I don’t have to feel the hurt… So, after the initial flash of feeling of hurt, I was pissed. And then…later in the session he did it again! Mind you, he wasn’t really invalidating me, I think it was one of those times when we just weren’t connecting right. This is a challenge I have had on and off with him…It used to bug me (like I would fret about it after the session) but now, I kind of roll with it (once I am done the initial hurt/mad thing). I have figured out that it doesn’t mean that he is invalidating me or not hearing me or not caring…It means simply that we have mis-connected. You know, rolling with communication challenges, I bet it’s that trust thing kicking in again.
“Dripping water hollows out stone, not through force, but through persistence.” If persistence on his part and my part can yield trust, I wonder else it can yield.
And as often happens, this is totally not where I was thinking I was going to go with this post…But evidently, it is where my brain needed to go.