Angry? and Off Probation

I had intentions of drawing a mandala today…But….Clearly, I didn’t.  Maybe tomorrow?

Angry?

Yesterday, I ran into my friend, L, who is also a blog reader.  She commented that the last post she read was, Breaking, and that the post came from an angry place.  I had to give this idea some thought.  When I wrote the post, I wasn’t feeling angry…Or at least, I didn’t think I was.  Now, when I look back at the post, I can see that the first sentence is kind of angry sounding.  It’s interesting how that came across…Really, I was feeling overwhelmed.  And maybe that did make me feel mad.  But mostly I just felt overwhelmed in an intense crushing kind of way.  And though I didn’t say it in that post, I was also kind of stewing in some extra vile self-loathing.  So…there was anger in my being…I just didn’t realize I was spilling it onto “paper”

Off Probation

Where did I run into L?  At the doctor’s office.  L is my friend who works at my doctor’s office as their PNP.  I was there because I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor.  I am happy to report that my Primary Physician is now off of probation!  She is back to her regular old self and I am very relieved!

The visit with my PP was about my tachycardia.  Evidently, my tachycardia is being caused by my sustained calorie restricted diet. As a matter of fact, my sustained calorie restrictive diet now has a diagnosis and a name, anorexia nervosa.  I am not sure what to say about that.  Like I said the other day, I am not sure that I have a problem, but everyone else thinks I have a problem, and I meet the diagnostic criteria for a problem…But I just don’t see it.

Anyway, my PP explained that my heart is working extra hard (by beating extra fast) to compensate for lack of nutrients and energy and that this is a bad thing.  Then she talked with me for a while and did some education with me and also expressed some sincere and personal concern for me.  She asked me to go back next week for another follow-up and she also is going to be calling the AT.

This version of my PP is the one that I have known and really liked…I don’t know who she was for the those rocky appointments I had with her last year. She seemed back to “normal” when I saw her on that first ER trip day and she seemed herself again yesterday.  I am glad too, because I really didn’t want to have to find a new doctor!

 

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