Rambling Depressive Thoughts
I am not always aware of exactly how delicate my world is until something disrupts it. It doesn’t even have to be a huge thing that throws me off balance, but of course, it seems like little things never happen…And when one of these disruptions happens and my anxiety sky rockets and my mood plummets, then I am reminded of exactly how tenuous a grip I have on functioning. I guess really, that although I put on a good front, I really am not okay. That “not okay” used to be buried much deeper inside of me and I could make it through my days without really having it touch me, but now, it is much closer to the surface…And very difficult to gloss over.
Sometimes, I get really tired of fighting the fight and trying to get better. It would be so much easier to withdraw…To close myself off and isolate myself. Just me and my messed up thinking, left alone and unchallenged. It might be a dismal place, but it just seems like it would be simpler.
I wish I knew what to do…I have so many things that I am struggling with right now, and I feel pretty overwhelmed. And I feel so much pressure to do the “right” things and I always end up doing the “wrong” things…And the knowledge that I should be making better choices and playing out the “right” options just kills me. I become super critical and self-judgmental and ashamed that I can’t do better. It becomes an ugly loop.
I get so discouraged sometimes….I just can’t see the point to any of it. Why should I bother to get up in the morning and face another day?
Why can’t I just be normal?