Trigger

Trigger

Not that I need anymore “help” with justifying my eating, but yesterday, a work-colleague posted a triggering picture on Facebook.  The picture was of body scans of two women, one weighing 250lbs and one weighing 120lbs.  Obviously, there was a huge difference in terms of fat distribution and obviously one was a lot less appealing than the other.  And I looked at the picture and I just felt the tightening of the need to control my eating even more.  I can look at the picture and totally justify what I am doing with a rational defense.  Plus of course, I already have all that irrational thinking that will justify it no matter what.

Yesterday, in preparation for dinner out with dh, I barely ate during the day.  If I thought I could have gotten away with eating less, I would have (though that would have meant eating nothing at all).  I don’t know if I want to admit my pre-dinner caloric intake…but let’s just say, I am sure my Nutritionist would not approve.  Dinner was challenging…I did the best I could, which is to say, I tried to find/choose the least painful, i.e. lowest calorie entrée while still eating a real entrée.  Of course, eating a whole entrée was completely out of the question…Even if I had wanted to, my stomach capacity has shrunk a lot the past few months and just plain doesn’t hold much.  I ordered stir fry and picked out the veggies and the tofu and skipped the rice and sauce.

This morning will be a reverse of yesterday in that breakfast was my “big” meal of the day and then I will balance it out eating minimal calories the rest of the day.  At this point, I feel pretty panicked about what I have eaten for the past two meals and am feeling really bad/guilty/weak about my food choices.

I didn’t get to weigh myself this morning, because I ate before we got home and the weight won’t be accurate.  I am very afraid of weighing myself tomorrow…I hope the indulgences of this weekend do not catch up with me on the scale.  Did I mention I am feeling kind of panicked about it? Yeah…I guess I did.

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