Change And Staying The Same

I did something Friday that I haven’t done since I started with my minimalist eating…I did a calorie count.  I have had in my head an approximation of how many calories I eat each day and I wasn’t far off. The interesting part is that the days when I really struggle to eat, I am getting very few calories.

I have a new nutrition goal this week and it is ugly.  I am supposed to boost my calories to 850 each day.  It seems impossibly hard.  The nutritionist talked with me about how I could increase my calories…And I heard her…but I just don’t know how to do it (I mean how to get my brain to do it).

It’s like that a lot with this food stuff.  She and I talk about things that I could eat, things that sound enticing when we talk about them…And I buy them and then I can’t actually eat them.  On this list are dried mangoes, freeze dried fruit (I do eat 4 freeze dried berries each day, but I am guess that doesn’t really count), Lara bars, cream of rice cereal, nuts, etc.  I am guessing if I look at the cupboard, there are more things…

And the knowledge that I am not doing what I am supposed to kind of kills me. I feel guilty and ashamed and like I am doing the wrong thing. And I internalize this and pressure myself to the point where sometimes when I sit down to eat, I feel like a total failure before I even start.

I don’t know how to change and do what I am supposed to do.

And what do I really want to do?  I want to eat my same old “safe” foods all the time.  My cereal with four freeze dried raspberries for breakfast, my cottage cheese and fruit and 3 bread and butter pickles slices for lunch, my popcorn for snack and my salad for dinner.  That’s what I want.  And I want the comfort of the same-ness and the routine of it and the low calories of it.

I don’t want to be pushed, I don’t want to make change, I don’t want to eat more. And I don’t want to feel like I am a failure every time I try.