The Price Of Mental Health

The Price Of Mental Health

I have been procrastinating about something. Partly, I wanted to talk about it with the AT, but I am guessing that will never happen (though I did bring it up a few sessions ago).   I have come to a point where I have to make a decision….Do I go back to my per diem work? Or do I take a “leave” and take care of myself for a while?

Dh has weighed in that he wants me to be happy. He hasn’t been really thrilled that I started doing the per diem work because he knows I am not super happy at the facility.  Of course, he would never tell me I couldn’t work there…but I know he would prefer that I didn’t.

Me?  I have all sorts of feelings about work.  Mainly, I feel guilty that I went back to school and incurred student loan debt thus I feel like I should be earning my keep.  The pay is really good doing per diem work…Of course, it would be even better financially if I worked full-time, but I don’t think that’s in the cards at the moment.  Work makes me crazy and challenges my ethics every time I go.  But I also feel good and competent at work, it is one arena where I rarely question myself…Well, until I hit those tricky ethical issues, or poor quality patient care issues, or time crunching for quotas issues.  Ugh.

But…it all comes down to brass tacks.  Can we afford to give me some time off?  I spent the morning yesterday running the numbers.  Some things are in our favor, we paid our car off last year, dh got a really good raise last year, dh forgot to sign up for flexible spending last year (which isn’t great, but means there is more money in each paycheck.) But other things are not in our favor…like home repairs that need doing (we weren’t happy to see large bits of shingles on the lawn after a huge windstorm a couple of weeks ago), depleted savings, a ten-year-old car, accident prone pets (one of our cats broke his foot last Friday), lots of co-pays and prescriptions for medical stuff for me….

What do the number say?  Unfortunately, the numbers don’t help much.  Not working would be tight.  I can’t quite parse if it would be uncomfortably tight, or workably tight.  Of course, my working would be extra money  and then things would not be so tight.  Or I could defer my student loans for a little while. Maybe I should have bought a Powerball ticket last week. <sigh>

So…here I am, left in the same place that I started.  Keep working or take a break?  I don’t know what the right thing to do is.

Honestly, I think I would do better not working for a little while.  But like I said, I just don’t know what to do.

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