French Knots and Ugh…Appointments

French Knots

I am working on a stealth project….Meaning that the recipient reads my blog, so until it is done and delivered to her, I cannot post complete pictures nor can I say what the project is.  However, it involves French knotting sequins to felt…and lemme tell ya, I have a lot of French knots in my future!

I started this project (cutting the felt) a few days ago, but then had a perfectionist melt-down about it.  I am having a really hard time right now with any art and needing it to be perfect.  I even had a melt-down about it (complete with tears, I believe) in Art Therapy yesterday.  I haven’t felt this rigid a need to have things be perfect in a long time.  And at the moment, imperfection= utter failure.  No pressure, Heidi….Just make it perfect, completely and totally perfect and all will be good.  Ack!  It’s a wonder I am not losing my mind….Oh wait…I am losing my mind.  <sigh>  Then maybe it’s a wonder I haven’t already lost it!

Switching back to French knots….French knots make me think about my paternal grandmother.  My sister and I used to spend a week at my grandparents every summer when we were elementary school aged.  It was my grandmother who taught me to make French knots.  I was never really close to her…She wasn’t a warm and snuggly kind of person, but she did teach me knots.

Anyway…a sneak peek at the stealth project:




Art Therapy:  I cried again in therapy.  I asked the AT if I was going to cry every time I come now (since I have cried every time for the past several sessions) and he said, “I hope so.”  Damn.  I am not fond of crying (perhaps understatement of the year).  But strangely, it seems…well…it’s not okay with me, but it seems okay to do in therapy.  Like, safe person, safe office, safe to be vulnerable, safe to leak feelings, safe to cry.

[Please note, if you read the previous version of this post…There is a redaction here. Something I need to think more about.]

The Nutritionist….Another fail for Heidi.  I do not know how to make myself better. I do not know how to make the changes expected of me.  And I am really, really torn because a huge part of me says to just quit seeing her…Then I won’t have to worry about my eating.  Now, I am not one to run away when life gets hard (therapy comes right to mind!)…But this is excruciating.  And yet, in my mind (that tiny rational part) I think I should keep going and getting the help

Anyway…this week’s goal (at which I am sure I will fail) is to eat a balanced dinner: Protein, Carb and Vegetable.  I am sooo screwed.  She actually wanted me to eat a cup of rice or quinoa as my carb for my dinners and I about had a panic attack.  I finally talked her down to a half cup.  And did I eat any rice or carb with my dinner last night?  FAIL.  I even had the box of rice in hand, and then quinoa and I made the mistake of reading the caloric content and that was the end of that.  Right now, I have been eating 600-650 calories a day.  I can’t just add in a ton of carbs…it will throw my whole routine.  Well…I suppose I could, I would just need to exercise a lot to make up for it…

Hey…but at least the dentist appointment went okay!  I had forgotten how much I like my dentist. And I had a new hygienist, who was…ummm…quirky?…but really, really nice.  And I am not one to turn down a few quirks, so I am glad I met her and scheduled my next cleaning with her.  Hmmm…I wonder how much I will weigh when I see her again in 6 months….

And here is sneak peek #2:


3 thoughts on “French Knots and Ugh…Appointments

    • That would really surprise me. He seems to be quite competent and his background covers all the issues I am having, especially trauma/PTSD and even eating disorders (which is likely an offshoot of the trauma/PTSD). And I think that if he didn’t have the training, he would actually tell me that. He has a lot of integrity and I don’t expect he would try to blunder along if he was out of his comfort zone. And to that end, if he is out of his comfort zone, it is well within his ability to educate himself and get up to speed. Perhaps it is a topic for further discussion with him.

      And honestly, I would not want to find another therapist. It took me 11 months to build trust with him. I don’t globalize trust building, so if I started over with another therapist, it would take me a year to get to this point. I don’t know if I have another year left in me for starting from scratch.

    • I redacted the part of the post that you commented on. I decided I want to talk to him about it as you (as usual) have given me some food for thought…I want to make sure I understood correctly what he was saying to me…Sometimes, my interpretations are a bit….skewed.

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