So Close, But Not Perfect and What I Should Not Have Said To The Nutritionist

So Close, But Not Perfect

So…I got up at 3 yesterday because the little dog had to pee (she seems to have a small bladder!).  We went back to bed, but I was awake…Just up for the day.  After laying awake for 45 minutes, I got up.  I went into the kitchen, made supper for dh and ds (turkey stew in the crockpot), cleaned up the kitchen, finished loading and then started the dishwasher and took all the old dishcloths out for washing and replaced them with fresh ones.  Then I cleaned the living room, sorted the dog toys and vacuumed the living room/dining room and kitchen.  Then I mended some tears in the dog bed because the little dog started pulling stuffing out of the holes.   I sorted through the couch throws and tossed ones that needed washing into the laundry pile.

Once dh was up, I asked him to print out the page for getting reimbursement on the rest of last year’s flexible spending (I had asked him several days ago, but he forgot and it is due on Mondays).  So, I filled out the form…I had already collated all the receipts, put it all together with a binder clip and handed it over to dh.  I also packed up dh’s lunch (I don’t usually, but he was running behind).

Now…I got all of that done by about 6:30.  But guess what?  I forgot something. <sigh>

It was trash day.  Emphasis on the was…as by the time I got home from my art therapy appointment, the trash truck had come and gone and won’t be back for two weeks. I was really frustrated…And I could feel that run-away train gaining speed.  If I could get all that other stuff done, why couldn’t I have remembered the trash too?

What I Should Not Have Said To The Nutritionist

Well…I am in quite the hard spot.  I have no idea what to do.

Last week, at my Nutritionist appointment, I said something that I now really regret saying.  We were talking about how I go about making a change…from a general perspective…I am sure with the idea of transferring that technique to changing my eating pattern.  I told her that I don’t really know, and that sometimes, I just do it.  Meaning that I just suck it up, put on my big girl pants and make the change.  I didn’t tell her how difficult that actually is for me to do, and that the stars sort of have to align just right for it to work.

Well, she latched on to the idea.  And she talked to me just making the change and that it is up to me to get better.  I know it is up to me.  I get it.  But I am not near that point right now.  I don’t know when I will be near that point, but I am not feeling it at the moment.

I sent her an email regarding the protected post (which was a post about Team Heidi and I used their names and pictures, so I didn’t want it public) and I tacked on a part about how I was having a hard time with this week’s goal.  She has asked me to email me when I am having a hard time.  I am loathe to do it, but it seemed like an opportune time since I was already emailing her.

Anyway, in her response she mentioned the idea me of just “buckling down” and doing it.  <sigh> (She also talked about taking baby steps…So, I am a bit confused by the contradiction.)  So, here’s my conundrum.  If it is up to me to make the change and I am just supposed to buckle down and do it, and I am not at that point, should I even bother to continue to see her?  I mean, what would the point be?  There’s no point in wasting her time.

Probably, the right thing to do is to talk to her about it at my next appointment (Thursday afternoon) but I get so sick of always doing the right thing…Sometimes, I just want to stamp my feet, cross my arms over my chest and shout, “NO!”   “No, I don’t have to go.  No, you can’t help me. No, don’t waste your time with me. NO. NO. NO.”

I really wish that I hadn’t told her about my “just do it” approach to change, because now, I feel like there is pressure for me to just do it.  And the last thing I need at the moment is more pressure.  I already feel like a failure because I haven’t/can’t make the changes everyone wants me to make.  Adding in more pressure is only going to amplify those feelings, which won’t really help me at all.

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