A long time ago, I talked a bit about death at work and how sometimes, a patient death hits me harder than others. Because the population at work is old and generally in poor health, I often read the obituaries to see who has died. I don’t read them every day, but usually a couple of times a week.
Yesterday, I was doing my obituary catch up and one caught my eye. A very sweet lady died. I knew her from a couple of stays she had at the facility I worked at. She was a wonderful woman and I really liked her and she really liked me. Initially, she had a different rehab person working with her, but she ended up on my caseload. The previous person had pushed her really hard and really far, causing her significant pain. My style is a gentler, steady approach and for this the patient was both thankful and appreciative. We were a good match of temperament and style and she was a wonderful, elegant sort of woman.
I had the fortune of going on a home evaluation with her, so I got to see her lovely little apartment. Like her, it was wonderful and elegant. I remember reading a poem on her wall about the loss of her husband and her feelings and hope to be reunited with him. It was eloquent and moving. I asked her about it and she had written it herself. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, it fit her perfectly.
So last week, her name was in the obituaries. She lived to be in her mid-90s. And I felt sad to know that she is gone. There was no picture of her in the obituary…And often, without a picture, I can’t remember what someone looks like from just recognizing their name. This woman, I have a mental snapshot of her…I even know her voice.
I won’t mourn her death, as death is often a good thing (especially for someone in their 90s who had been in poor health) but I will mourn the loss of a wonderful woman.
The Eating Disorder
And now, onto a completely different topic….
I am not sure that I am doing a good job of improving my eating disorder symptoms…Which is to say, I think they are getting worse. Saturday morning, we ran errands and then when we got home, dh and ds went to the City to meet up with classmates for group projects (dh is taking a class this semester.) I was home, doing chores, baking banana bread for dh and ds and I cooked their dinner and did some laundry, etc. At about 3:30, I realized I hadn’t exercised. I sort of shook it off…But I was having a lot of guilt about having eaten too much at lunch (230 calories, which is more than I usually eat).
And though I tried not to worry about it, my anxiety got worse and worse. All I could think about was those extra calories and that I hadn’t done any exercise and that I didn’t burn them off. I really wanted to go on a long walk up the hill (a good calorie burn) but I didn’t really feel like the effort of taking the dogs, plus I had the banana bread in the oven.
Honestly, I was surprised at my anxiety…Anxiety over not exercising has not happened before. Anyway, I ended up doing a short, but intense DVD workout. I figured at the very least, I burned off the extra lunch calories and realistically, I burned off some other calories too.
Then yesterday after supper, my anxiety was through the roof. All I could think about was how many calories I had eaten. I kept adding the calories over and over again…Did I eat too much? Exactly how many calories would the roasted cabbage count as? Was that two tablespoons of applesauce with lunch or three? How much milk did I consume with my bowl of cereal? (That one I know the answer to…2.5) Did I do enough exercise? Should I have exercised more?
I am not sure that I need this new calorie-conscious anxiety….But I seem to have it anyway.
This Week’s Nutrition Goals
And since I am talking about calories…I am not doing a very good job at meeting this week’s Nutritionist goals. Do I sound like a broken record? I feel like I say that all the time!
This week’s goals are to eat a morning snack of 1.5 cups of fruit and to increase my daily calorie intake over 650 with 850 as the goal, but just getting over 650 would be okay.
Friday morning, I did have a small morning snack because I wanted to have energy for yoga. But my brain won’t let me add that snack as additional calories. I had to cut those calories from some other meal later in the day (luckily it was only 45 calories). I don’t know how to make my brain think it is okay to have an extra 45 calories. So, as you can see, my goal of increasing calories is really challenging me…which it usually does
I did feel somewhat better physcially over the weekend, other than being freezing cold the whole weekend, my other low calorie symptoms tapered off a bit. I am guessing it is a short reprieve, but I will take it.