My Infuriating Body
I woke up hating myself this morning…Not that I have to stretch very far to find those feelings….
Actually, I guess I didn’t wake up hating myself. It was after I weighed myself that I started hating myself. This week, the weight isn’t coming off and I am furious. After the first few days of it not changing (literally…no change on the scale) I started to increase my exercise. It hasn’t worked. I have not decreased my calorie intake because I am trying hard to be “good” about what I am eating. At this point though, the weight stubbornness has significantly contributed to me not bothering to try to increase my daily calories. And if my weight does not cooperate, decreasing calories will be next.
I can feel that bitter taste of body-betrayal in my mouth. And as I said, I am furious.
I think the only reason that I have not totally lost it about this weight plateau is because at some point soon I am supposed to get my period. (And if I had remembered to enter last month’s period into my app, I would know when….But since I forgot, I only have a rough guess.) Before I get my period, I retain water….Though not usually for so many days. However, I am giving my body the tiniest benefit of the doubt that it is just in PMS mode. If not…well…the self-recrimination will be nasty.
I think this weight issue is why I have been feeling more anxiety about getting in exercise and obsessing about how many calories I have been eating. I am supposed to be in control of all of this and losing weight and at the moment, I am not. I am having a very hard time dealing with it.
Anyway, I need to tame some of the self-loathing I am feeling right now. Intense self-loathing is never good and usually leads to maladaptive coping strategies, and I can feel that I am on that edge right now. Luckily, I have a “playdate” with a friend this morning and so I (hopefully) can get out of my head for a while. Seeing my friend will either soothe my mood, or distract me for a while. The former would be best…But only time will tell.
Speaking Of Friends (Finally…The Stealth Project!)
I finally made my way to SS’s on Sunday. She invited me to come craft with her and she had a project of refreshing some diaper covers by running new elastic through the legs and the back. We worked together and got quite a few done. And Miss Pixie kept us company and played and kept us company and played and munched on a doughnut. 🙂
I took the stealth project which is a mobile for the new baby’s room. One of the themes for the baby’s room (it is the valance over the window) is, “I love you to the moon and back again.” So, I made this:
I am really quite pleased with how it came out.