I Am Supposed To Have An End Game?!
“What is your end game?” “Where do you see yourself in 3 months/6 months?”
These are questions the Nutritionist asked me. As if there is an end game for eating disorders…<sigh>
I have no idea what the answers are…This will give me a lot to think about. At this point, I have nothing.
As a matter of fact, at the moment, I feel like my life has stopped…like I am in a holding pattern until one of two things happens, 1. I get better and contain the eating disorder. 2. My body crashes and I have to have be hospitalized. I suppose there might be a third option… 3. My body starts to crash and I have to have some sort of intensive intervention (hospital again) to prevent the whole crash.
I try my best to have an honest and uncensored blog…Which is why I lay out those options. The last two things are eventualities that I have been warned about multiple times. You’d think it’d be enough to scare me into recovery…But it doesn’t. I guess that demonstrates the depth of my pathology.
I just don’t know….Lost, lost, lost. That’s me.
Here’s what I do know:
- I haven’t lost enough weight yet. And no, I don’t know when it will be “enough.”
- Having control over what/how much I eat seems to have improved my mood quite a bit.
- I like being in control. It makes me feel better about myself and powerful.
- I am very, very afraid of regaining the weight I have lost.
But an end game? I am not even sure I know exactly what that means.
Okay…Aside from thinking about my end game, here are my other nutrition goals for this week:
- Eat a snack of fruit leather or fruit before exercising to increase energy
- Think about ways to eat safe foods in different ways (And she gave me a recipe to try for a protein packed pancake made with ricotta cheese…sort of an extension of my eating cottage cheese.)
She probably doesn’t mean eat the fruit leather and then deduct the calories from another meal later in the day…
Why is this so hard for me?
You know, sometimes I think to myself, “Today I am going to just eat and not worry about it.” But when it comes right down to it, I can’t. As a matter of fact, if I am being honest and uncensored, I will admit that it is really, really hard for me to keep eating at my current calorie level. I could easily eat less. I wonder if anyone realizes that? That my struggle isn’t just about eating additional calories…I also struggle with keeping up my current calories. And when I say struggle, I do mean it.
You know…I don’t think I am lost…I think I am just fucked.
Okay…I’m done with this topic.