So…I kind of had a meltdown yesterday morning. It was ugly. No…It was really ugly.
I woke up with that emptiness and soul-crushing sadness.
Then my eating disorder started screaming at me. It didn’t want me to eat anything yesterday. And I was going to indulge it. But…I know that not eating anything would be really, really bad for me. I was torn.
When dh woke up, I decided I’d have some cereal. I usually have a bowl of cereal every morning (but I have been eating less and less…I used to eat a cup of cereal every morning, then three quarters a cup and now I eat a half cup) so I figured my mini-portion of cereal would be okay. Only…there wasn’t enough milk. <sigh>
The Nutritionist wanted me to try a recipe for protein pancakes and I found one online that I wanted to try. So…I made the batter. It uses egg whites, no yolks. And I was separating the whites over the bowl and the yolk fell in. I panicked. (Yolk=calories) So, I grabbed a big soup spoon and tried to pull the yolk out of the bowl, and the yolk broke. Panic turned to super panic. The batter was contaminated. Dh tried to reassure me it was okay…And the Eating Disorder was trying to tell me I had ruined the batter. In the end, I scooped about 98% of the yolk out and tried to convince myself it was fine.
Then I cooked the pancakes. And then I kind of lost it…Huge meltdown…Dh said something benign and I snapped at him and pretty much ripped his head off (poor dh!). I was soo angry and frustrated and irritable and sour…I had to remove myself ASAP before I got in more trouble. So, I grabbed 1.5 pancakes (approx. 100 calories worth) and my water bottle and went to my bedroom. (I don’t know why I took the pancakes…I never eat in the bedroom.) I set the pancakes on my bureau and crawled into bed and had a micro-moment of crying. Then I just laid there…overwhelmed by pain. I was not coping.
I thought maybe I should take some lorazepam, but I didn’t trust myself to not take too many. Then I started pondering…What if I took all my lorazepam? Would it kill me? Well…what if I took all my lorazepam and all my trazadone? Would that kill me? And on and on….Then I realized that I can’t take those meds inappropriately because when I get a prescription, I make an inner commitment to take them as prescribed…No more, no less. Not only would it be wrong to mis-use the prescriptions…but it would be unfair to my prescriber as well.
So…then I thought about various ways to soothe myself by self-harming.
And all the while, I kept thinking about that picture that I drew with my PNP that then went to the AT’s office and is part of a project I started on Thursday. And since the moment I finished the drawing, I knew it was wrong…Incomplete. And it had been really, really bothering me. And I didn’t know if I had the courage to draw it correctly and have it be “witnessed.” And this kept bothering me and bothering me and my mind kept flashing the drawing how it should have been drawn.
The incompleteness? The figure needed a big, menacing, erect penis. And then I realized that the drawing, which was supposed to be a representation of my eating disorder, was not about my eating disorder…Or if it was, it was not wholly about my eating disorder. And different images of the drawing (like new scenarios) kept popping up in my head…So much so that I thought maybe I was having flashbacks or about to have a flashback….The way the pictures were popping into my head…It reminded me of how my flashbacks happen.
And I wanted to call the AT and get support. And maybe I should have…but that is still so hard for me to do…Instead, I decided I needed to draw the pictures in my head and I climbed out of bed and went downstairs and drew…Ugly and nasty pictures. Four. Four pictures wanted to be drawn. Four pictures that I will take to Art Therapy on Monday and then leave in the bubble of his office…Safely contained.
When I finished drawing the pictures, I tore them out of the sketchbook, stacked them neatly in order and tucked them carefully in my mandala book.
And then, I felt better…Pressure was relieved. I could function again and the pain moderated and I was done snapping at people and wanting to self-harm….Well…except the eating disorder was still screaming at me not to eat.
After a walk with dh and the dogs, some fresh air and some chatting with dh…I settled down some more. Finally at about noon, the eating disorder’s screaming had dulled to a grumble and I was able to eat some lunch. I stuck with 100% safe foods and in my usual portions…So, lunch was uneventful.
The rest of the day was much more under control. I was lonely as dh and ds had an engagement allll afternoon and evening (left a before noon, were back about 10), but I kept myself busy. I set my mind and hands to a knitting project. I knitted for hours…And I even finished my project. It is a tiny wool soaker for SS’s new baby. I can’t remember the last time I really sat down and knitted something and enjoyed doing so. It was a nice way to spend the day.
Here’s a pic. I am not loving the way the leg cuffs came out…I think they will be too bulky on a petite baby, I am likely going to rip them out and just crochet a little bit around the edge of the leg holes…But here’s what is looks like now. (It still has yarn ends showing because I haven’t quite decided about those leg cuffs.)