I started off strong yesterday morning…But by noon, I could feel the mood fading.  By 1:00, I was miserable.  But I did not snap at anybody or have a meltdown. I just put on my game-face and plodded through my day.  However, I felt pretty dead inside.

I feel very thrown right now.  I know it is about that picture I drew (and the subsequent four pictures).  I know something has been stirred up…Only I can’t put my finger on it, so it is making me unsettled and panicky and sad and stressed….Oh wait…that sounds like a PTSD exacerbation. <sigh>  I really don’t need that right now!

Even my dreams are unsettled, sexual violence, abandonment, filth…Not exactly what I would call restful.

I feel like my shattered pieces are careening away from me and I am reaching and reaching to grab them and they are just beyond my fingertips and I can’t grasp them.

And you know what?  It is making me want to binge. I feel like sitting and eating and eating and eating until I explode…Until I can’t feel anything anymore…Until I confirm the fact that I am ugly and shameful and weak.

I won’t do it though.  It would pretty much destroy me to have such a flagrant failure of self-control.  Instead, I have reverted a bit to some of my old minimalist eating habits, like repeating foods during the day and eating less.  These things feel safe to me.  And I am in control.  And I need to control something right now.


BTW, I did re-do the leg cuffs on the soaker and I chain stitched a tie for it. Then I washed and lanolized it.  I will deliver it to SS’s house this morning.



9 thoughts on “Thrown

  1. What a vibrant color yarn! That is going to look awesome on some wee little one! Sounds like we had about the same kind of day yesterday. Things got a bit better for me this morning though. The plumber showed up and cleaned out all of our main drains and we can run the water again without it gushing everywhere!

    Today I am just wiped out from the emotional weekend of craziness! Now I have no idea why you are feeling ugly, and shameful, and weak, But I think you are a wonderful, awesome, lady! Now smile and cast on a blanket with me!!! 😉

    • Thanks!

      Sorry to hear about the plumbing. Yikes! I can’t imagine what craziness that must have made!

      Are you settled on the log cabin blanket? Or do you have any other contenders in mind?

      • Nothing else really in mind except maybe doing squares and joining them all. I’m just going for quick and easy and interchangeable because I have so many babies between family and friends to cover in the next few months. If you have any ideas though I’d be up for something new.

  2. Oooohh, that’s a pretty one! I want to do that in greens and cream color I think! Lets cast on soon! Do you want to start tomorrow or wait til the weekend? I’m good to go either way!

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