I started off strong yesterday morning…But by noon, I could feel the mood fading. By 1:00, I was miserable. But I did not snap at anybody or have a meltdown. I just put on my game-face and plodded through my day. However, I felt pretty dead inside.
I feel very thrown right now. I know it is about that picture I drew (and the subsequent four pictures). I know something has been stirred up…Only I can’t put my finger on it, so it is making me unsettled and panicky and sad and stressed….Oh wait…that sounds like a PTSD exacerbation. <sigh> I really don’t need that right now!
Even my dreams are unsettled, sexual violence, abandonment, filth…Not exactly what I would call restful.
I feel like my shattered pieces are careening away from me and I am reaching and reaching to grab them and they are just beyond my fingertips and I can’t grasp them.
And you know what? It is making me want to binge. I feel like sitting and eating and eating and eating until I explode…Until I can’t feel anything anymore…Until I confirm the fact that I am ugly and shameful and weak.
I won’t do it though. It would pretty much destroy me to have such a flagrant failure of self-control. Instead, I have reverted a bit to some of my old minimalist eating habits, like repeating foods during the day and eating less. These things feel safe to me. And I am in control. And I need to control something right now.
BTW, I did re-do the leg cuffs on the soaker and I chain stitched a tie for it. Then I washed and lanolized it. I will deliver it to SS’s house this morning.