What I Would Like To Tell My Nutritionist
Another week has wrapped around and I have a Nutritionist appointment this afternoon. As always, I dread the appointment as this is my hardest appointment of the week. Yes…Therapy is hard, but the Nutritionist is hard in a different way…And it makes it feel harder.
I do like my Nutritionist and I know she has my best interest in mind and wants to help me to help myself. And she is always very positive…Which is good, because one of us needs to have some positivity.
What would I like to tell her?
I am not perfect. Nope, I am not. I try very hard to be perfect, and I would really like to do everything perfectly, but I cannot. That doesn’t prevent me from trying…Which is a constant set-up for failure…But that’s a discussion for another time. Every time I walk into your office, I am embarrassed and ashamed because I did not do my “homework” and meet the goals we made last week. I would love to just skip my appointments (and I think about not coming anymore a lot) to avoid the embarrassment, but it seems like not coming would be a poor choice in the long run.
I know that I have said that I hyper-focus on my eating to have some control in my life. And that is true…But it is a funny double-edged sword because somehow my hyper-focus has moved beyond my control. And I am not sure how to reel myself back in. I don’t want to admit that I don’t have control because I feel both very confused by the control/no control dichotomy and I am a little bit scared by not being in control and I don’t know what to do about not having control over my eating disorder.
That’s why I never meet my goals, because I don’t have total control over my behavior anymore. I try to meet my goals. I really do try. I hear what you say…I am always super skeptical, but I try. We made a goal of me eating fruit leather before exercising. I made sure I have fruit leather stocked in my cupboards so that I would be ready to do it. The next day, when it was fruit leather time, a whole one seemed too much…So I cut it in half and ate half. I know that the attempt is worth almost as much as succeeding. But then the next day, I couldn’t do it again. And the next day, I couldn’t…and on and on. And then I felt guilty and like I have failed. It doesn’t matter that I tried, all I can see is that I failed.
It has been this way over and over again. Protein pancakes? Yup…I tried. I didn’t have ricotta cheese, so I found a recipe for ones with cottage cheese. I made the batter, I cooked the pancakes…And I couldn’t eat them. As a matter of fact, they became a contributing factor to a huge emotional melt-down. (I don’t blame the pancakes…But they were kind of the last straw. Sometimes, I am just hanging on by a thread and evidently changing what I eat that dramatically is just too overwhelming.)
But sometimes, I do hear you and I do get there. Eating more carbs (sweet potatoes and white potatoes)? It took me a couple of weeks, but this week I have had sweet potato or white potato almost every single day. You say carbs are important…My body needs them. Okay…I want them too then (as long as they don’t disrupt my calories for the day) and I worked them in. It is actually not atypical for me to take a week or two or four to integrate change. I am like that with lots of things…Sometimes, it takes me months (like 6-9) to work up to a suggested psych med change. I don’t like change…and it is even harder with changing things I put into my body.
I hope you don’t think I am being difficult when I walk into your office and have yet again failed with my homework. I am not trying to be difficult. I am just stuck…Trapped by my own baggage. I feel like I am going around and around in circles. It is frustrating for me and exhausting.
I said before that I am confused…Lots of things about my eating disorder confuse me. For example, I like that I am losing weight, lots of it and fast. On a superficial level, the weight loss itself is very rewarding. On a deeper lever, the control, the strength, the power and self-control I feel…It is much more rewarding. I am strong. I am decisive. I even have some pride in my ability to deny myself. It makes me feel good. But…as I said before, I also know that I have lost control and the eating disorder is in control. And I know I am hurting myself and that the longer I do it the more I will damage my body. And I try and try to ignore the symptoms I have like being freezing cold all the time, the heart palpitations and tachycardia, the weakness, feeling faint when I stand up, feeling shaky, poor short-term memory, fuzzy thinking. All that stuff concerns me and I don’t like feeling all those symptoms. But, I can’t make my brain decide that the negatives outweigh the positives. I don’t know how to do it.
When you asked me what my end game is….I didn’t know what to say. I had never thought of it that way before. End game? I have no clue. I don’t know when I will stop what I am doing…I don’t even know if I can stop what I am doing. We’ll see what happens in therapy. I think that therapy success is the key to it all…But I just don’t know if I can get better fast enough in therapy. Can I get better emotionally before I crash physically? I guess that is the big question.
Anyway…So, here we are at another Thursday. And I didn’t meet my goals. And after the melt-down on Saturday, I have had a back-slide with some of my progress. I am repeating foods each day…As a matter of fact, I have pretty much eaten the same things for the same meals all week. It feels safe right now and I need the security. But…it isn’t all bad because I got those carbs in. Has it been part of my repeating cycle? Yup. But hopefully the potatoes count for something.
At this point, I wouldn’t blame you if you just give up on me. I am not sure I am actually fixable. But…as long as you want to keep trying, I will keep showing up and trying too.
Sooo…..That’s what I would like to tell her. Will I? Of course not. I don’t want her to think that I am just coming up with excuses for yet another week of failures.
And Knitting And More
I didn’t knit a stitch yesterday. However, I did do a yarn run for my knit-along with Spinnermom. We cast on today. I am excited about the colors I picked.
And here is the pattern we are working…Simple but striking. Instead of white, I am using heather grey.
Yesterday was a sewing day. I made some more covers, this time for Maternity Leave Mom, J. I am going over to her house tomorrow to visit with her and her baby. I can finally see how the soakers fit on a baby! Oh…And I am dropping off soakers at SS’s house too.