Mood and Triple Decker Appointments and Knitting


For some reason, my mood dropped yesterday afternoon/evening.  I was kind of struggling with it and with the darker thoughts…But the interesting thing is that dh noticed and asked me a couple of times if I was okay.  I guess it never really occurred to me that I have an outward expression of the inward blackness.  I mean…I wasn’t really doing much at that point, just working on my knitting and listening to the tv.  How could I have been exuding depressed mood?  Well…I suppose it doesn’t matter, because evidently I was!

I still feel kind of flat this morning…and even a bit teary.  And though I can’t recall them this morning, I am aware of having angsty kinds of dreams last night. <sigh> I hope this is not a significant mood dip…I hope it is just a bit of a blip on my mood progress.

Triple-decker Day

Somehow, I ended up with a triple-decker appointment day today.  It’s mostly okay…I haven’t had one in a while.  But…I somehow managed to schedule my appointments with very inconvenient intervals between them.  The times are too long to comfortably wait and too short to comfortably do much between.  My solution to this is…Knitting.  I will just be toting my knitting along and keeping busy knitting (and not thinking or feeling).  I might fit in one quick errand between my second and third appointments as I need sewing machine needles…And the store is more or less on the way to appointment #3.

First up today is the AT.  Tuesday night I started missing the AT…It was just feeling like time to get back on track. Yesterday was just a waiting day…Knowing that today and my AT appointment were coming.  I am trying to decide if I want to broach the “What is abuse?” question with him….I’m still not sure if I want to go there, especially with the current mood dip.

After the AT is my PNP.  That should be uneventful.  Her appointments are generally pretty easy.  I want to remember to talk to her about my vitamin D level today.  It has done an amazing increase, which is fantastic.  I want to check in with her as to why she thinks it is better and share with her the Nutritionist’s thoughts on it.

Speaking of the Nutritionist, that is appointment #3.  I made it successfully through my “No goals” week.  But honestly, the fact that I don’t have to feel ashamed and like a failure because I didn’t meet my goals will be nice.  Overall, I have felt much more relaxed about my food and eating.  It has been interesting for me to observe, because even with my food anxiety dialed down several notches, the eating disorder is still in charge.  I have not eaten any more calories this week…And honestly, I have shaved calories off.  I’m not sure what makes me eat fewer calories…Well, other than the usual issues.  Oh wait…there is that sinking feeling of failure and then shame because I am eating fewer calories.  I guess it hadn’t gone too far. <sigh>


Yes, I have still been knitting.




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