Sometimes It Catches Up With Me
I was sailing through triple deck appointment day yesterday…Things were going well and I seemed totally under control. But when I was driving home after appointment #3, my fingers were hurting me. One of my Heidi-habits is that when I get really stressed/anxious/nervous I pick at skin around my fingernails…Any little bit of hangnail becomes a victim of me picking at it (shredding it) until it is really sore and/or bleeding. Sooo…I had peeled back hang nails on three fingers. I know I did one during the Nutritionist appointment, and one during my PNP appointment…Not sure about the third. I realized that I was more stressed than I had thought.
When I got home from my appointments, I lasted about five minutes before I crashed. Basically, I collected the eggs, let the dogs out, had a drink of water and then was overwhelmed from all the emotions from all my appointments. I resorted to one of my more benign coping methods…I collected the dogs and went to bed and took a nap. I haven’t taken a “stress nap” in quite a while. But I needed to escape from the feelings.
Art Therapy was really good. He pushed me super hard and that was okay. Sometimes, I need super hard pushing….Not necessarily every time I go, but sometimes it is good. He did something pesky though….When talking about people from whom I got negative messages as a child, he used the term, “abuser.” Using the term “abuser” acknowledges things that I would rather just ignore and not feel anything about. That word makes it too real and I don’t like it. I can’t go there….I feel too much like I will fall apart.
My PNP appointment was good. She did something unexpected…She apologized for missing the significance of something I said to her years ago. I appreciated her apology, but more than that, I appreciated her making the observation that led her to her conclusion and that she was in tune with what was happening and then was able to reflect on it. To me, that is an example of a good provider. We also discussed why I said in my blog that my PNP appointments are “easy.” The word “easy” does not imply simplicity or lack of meaning to my appointments, but more that her appointments are the least painful of my other appointments. Plus, I know I am 100% safe with her…That makes seeing her “easy.”
The Nutritionist appointment was NOT easy. I don’t need to go into too much detail as you have heard it all before. What I will say is that I am sooo sick of being told, “It is up to you” that I could scream. The next person who says it to me may get an unfiltered-Heidi response. It’s like my N (and my Primary Physician, she has said it too) thinks I can just magically snap out of it…that it is easy to quiet the eating disorder and lay it to rest. Only…It doesn’t really work that way. And then when she says “It is up to you.” I feel this intense pressure, like I have to change and do it immediately….but it’s just not happening and then I feel like a failure. Ugh.
I didn’t get done as much waiting room knitting as I expected to yesterday. I ran two quick errands between appointments and both happened to be in stores with the sssllllooowwweeessttt checkout lines on the planet. A run-in-and-out purchase should not include 15 minutes of standing in line. <eye roll> And as much I appreciate a personable cashier, the cashier should not be having long conversations with patrons when there are five people waiting in line. <double eye roll> However, I did have a lovely chat in one of the stores with another lady standing in line to buy some yarn. We discussed chocolate (we were standing in front of a chocolate display), the yarn we were purchasing, dye lots, our projects, and she shared that just that morning, she became a great-grandmother for the second time. (Yes…for someone who has social anxiety, I am pretty friendly when I feel safe.) It did help pass the time.
Despite the errands, I got a chunk more done on the green kimono sweater. I am loving the yarn and how the sweater is knitting up. I showed my PNP how you fold it into a kimono and let her admire it. 🙂 I should be done with it by the end of today (the knitting part, then I have to seam it and do the finishing work on it.)