Just Fucked

Just Fucked

I was IM-ing a friend the other day.  Her sister is anorexic and has been for a long time.  My friend asked me if I had any advice that she could share with her sister.

Here’s what I said:

Ummm…I might not be the best person to give advice. I am not listening to any that I am getting. I will tell you that an eating disorder is almost like an addiction, only more insidious in some ways. But basically, you know you are hurting yourself but can’t stop. I can cut calories and cut calories (I am at 400 calories a day now) and suffer physically/cognitively but I cannot make myself eat more.  Like, even the prospect of having to go to a tx [treatment] facility and uprooting myself and disrupting my life and family is not enough to make my brain allow me to eat.  I have enough awareness to know that I am fucking myself over, but no ability to stop it.

And there it is in a nutshell, folks…That is an eating disorder.

And you know what? I can have that much insight and yet, I am still fucking myself over.  I am sooo stressed/anxious right now it’s not even funny.  I laid in bed for a long time this morning, drawing in my head (yup…kind of Art Therapy but without the AT, paper or media.)  I was using crayons and watercolor for crayon resist and some black and red temperas.  The picture I was drawing was….Intense. And then my thoughts switched to cutting to stop the emotions and then my thoughts switched to how I could shave off even more calories.  And I came up with an “easy” way to restrict further.  (All I would have to do is cut out my afternoon snack…If I eat lunch late enough, then I won’t need a snack…not that I need one anyway.)  This does kind of fly in the face of me telling the AT yesterday that I didn’t think I could cut anymore calories (because I don’t know if my body can take it) but maybe I can.

And then I got out of bed and peed and weighed myself.  Since last Thursday, I have lost six pounds.  Yup, six.  So, cutting calories is clearly working.

Can you hear the eating disorder screaming at me today?  It’s going to be a tough day…maybe a tough couple of days, I can tell already.  Sometimes, it just seems like it would be easier to let the eating disorder win.

6 thoughts on “Just Fucked

  1. You could end up dead before even getting to a treatment center. I am becoming more and more concerned. Previously however gently I commented, I didn’t feel it was well received or wanted. So now I probably shouldn’t either, but you are scaring me.
    I have to believe that you do have the power to take in at least enough calories to keep you going. That instead of fighting with the nutritionist who you pay to help you, you instead listen, and follow her plan. She is not your enemy though you write about her as if she is.
    Are you restricting to fight off memories? Because memories won’t kill you. They will be unpleasant, even horrifying, and hard, but not deadly. The restrictions will kill.

    • I have always found your comments to make good points and give me pause for thought.

      I appreciate your concerns over my health…The process of getting into treatment has been going on behind the scenes…I hadn’t blogged about it yet because it is has been consuming a lot of energy and feels really overwhelming. But…I don’t want to kill myself with anorexia. And I understand that I am skating a fine, fine line. And I finally figured out that I really need extra help. Admitting that I need that help was really hard, but once I did…seeking more intensive treatment became a necessity.

      Trauma sucks. Just plain and simple. ((Hugs)) to us all!

  2. There is a total connection with you dealing with things that have hurt you in your past, and that triggers your eating, for good, or for bad. Is there anyway, like tomorrow, you can start thinking of good things that are happening to you Right Now! In this moment, what makes *you* feel good about yourself? I’m going through something similar with dh right now, and if I can keep him here in the present time, he lifts up out of his depressive feelings. But once he begins thinking back to the things he can’t in any way ever change from his childhood, he starts sinking. It’s like a fight between the ghosts of his past, and his real live life! Hoping and praying you treat yourself better today, than the memories of yesterday! Unconditional Love to you either way though! You are strong enough to get through this, because look at all you’ve come through, and you’re still Here! ❤

    • Yup, recovering from trauma is totally fighting ghosts from the past.

      I am trying my best, I am making proactive choices for recovery…And I am terrified and relieved all at the same time to be moving forward.

      I appreciate your support. ((hugs))

      • (((Hugs))) I keep having airplane dreams in the past few weeks. When I looked up the meaning it was all about moving forward! LOL It is a bit terrifying, but at the same time it’s progress! I know just where you’re coming from! ❤

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