I Am Getting Help and Managing Yesterday and And Now

I Am Getting Help

The plan is that sometime within the next two weeks, I will be admitted to an eating disorder treatment center.  I am going to get the help I need.  Some of the nitty-gritty details are still in the works.  My insurance needs “approval” but I found the place via my insurance case manager, so that won’t be an issue. My insurance company needs to agree that there is a medical necessity that I receive treatment.  I will need some fresh data from my doctor (blood work and EKG, I believe).  If all goes according to plan, next week I will get an admission date and then I will go.

I am terrified.

My anxiety is pretty high right now.  I am really, really struggling to keep it under control.

Managing Yesterday

I was kind of a wreck yesterday, but I had a play date with SS, Pixie and Baby Blossom which I was not going to miss.  We had originally planned to go to the amazing children’s science museum in the southern part of our state, but Blossom was up crying all Wednesday night and SS was just not up to the trip.  SS sent me a text at 1:15 a.m. to let me know about the change of plans.  So I told SS if she was up to it, I would come over and play with Pixie and SS could sleep or do whatever she needed to do.  I packed a bag of tricks, and after AT, I went over.

I spent 5 hours at their house.  I got time snuggling Blossom and giving her a bottle.  Babies are amazing!  I got in visit time with SS (who was a bit rough around the edges when I got there, but after a shower seemed to rally.) But most of all, I played with Pixie.  We did messy, gooey, smeary kinds of projects for a couple of hours.

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Then we played Santa, “Heidi, you sleep in my bed and I am Santa and I will come.  Here, give me the stuffed dragon and that bear, I will put them under the tree and then tell you when it is time to wake up.  I’ll do it two times and then you do it two times.” and monsters, “Heidi, sleep in my bed and I will be a monster and I will come in and scare you. I’ll do it two times then you do it two times.”  and hide and seek, “Heidi….Where are you? Are you in here? No. Are you here? No.”  (I actually was instructed repeatedly to hide in a particular closet…I am now more acquainted with SS’s closet than I ever expected. 🙂 ) And we did our sets of two, over and over! (As per Pixie’s instructions.)

If that wasn’t enough fun, we had lunch and Pixie grazed off of the lunch I had packed…She was a big fan of the pickles, ate some sliced cucumber and didn’t like the applesauce. (She doesn’t like my homemade applesauce, but SS does, so I took her a jar.)  Don’t worry, Pixie eating from my lunch did not result in a calorie loss, SS offered me some avocado so it all worked out.

After lunch, SS made frosting and Pixie decorated cookies.  Decorating cookies meant Pixie eating lots and lots of the sprinkles.  I love four year olds!

And during the fun, my PNP was texting me and even called me about the eating disorder facility.  It was perfect, as I could text and talk to her and then get right back into play with Pixie and not fret about going to the facility.

So…I may have helped SS by playing with Pixie, but SS helped me by letting me come over and take my mind off of stuff.

Now…pretty much as soon as I pulled out of her driveway, my anxiety took off and I felt like I was going to throw up….But hey, those 5 hours of distraction were awesome.

And just for the record, Blossom is pretty darn cute!  Oh! And I almost forgot…I took the green sweater.  It looked pretty good on Blossom.  ❤

And Now

I will be totally honest. I am kind of freaking out.  I just want to cry all the time.  My anxiety is pretty constant and comes in waves of severity.  And I am scared to death.  And I will feel like this until I get to the place and settle in.

I am getting really strong support from my PNP and the AT, which I really appreciate. It is helping me from completely losing it.

5 thoughts on “I Am Getting Help and Managing Yesterday and And Now

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through all this, and not because of your doing but what another has done to you.
    My relationship with food still persists—eating to stuff feelings that started at age eight. I am still working at welcoming all feelings because running tends to be my first inclination.
    I remember enough vile things done to me, but there is one memory that my psyche keeps from me and it could still surface which is scary. But if it does surface someday it must be because I am then able to handle it.
    Not sure why I’m sharing this. Maybe because there seems to be similarities though at opposite sides of the same plate. And both are due to the crimes of what another has done to us children, a very serious, severe crime that can cause ongoing complications and challenges.
    I am so sorry you have to suffer so. I also believe you have so much to offer others, not just at whatever treatment place you go, but everywhere you go. You can do this thing called ‘life’ and do it more fully and richly than many others who have never suffered such things in their past. You can be free of the chains of restriction and the memories as they are aired and fade. The depth of pain can open you to the same depths of peace and joy.
    Good luck on your journey as you care for yourself.

    • I appreciate your sharing because you are right, there are huge similarities, and I started off for years managing my emotions by eating and eating. It has been only recently that it has swung the opposite direction…and swung fast and hard.

      The facility I am going to has a Trauma/Abuse treatment track, which is what the AT recommends. It will hopefully get me more stable so that the eating disorder won’t be necessary.

      I am working so hard at getting better…I really give it my full effort. I want to feel the “depths of peace and joy” of which you speak. I am pretty sure that I will get there…someday. The process is just excruciating and lengthy. Which I am sure you totally understand.

  2. So good to hear you had a nice distraction yesterday. I know from my own recent anxiety that that is a wonderful thing, but then you go right back to the anxiety and crying when the distraction is over. I hope and pray that the center you are going to will be a place that can set you back on track and give you the tools you need to get through your pain! And I hope they allow knitting. 🙂 I’m sure you’ll be plenty busy though. Treatment centers don’t mess around.

    No matter what I am soooooo happy you found my blog again, and I am so glad we are friends! ❤

    • 🙂 I have been thinking the same exact thing!!! I am so glad we have reconnected. I am glad we are friends too!

      And though I have not gotten the bring/don’t bring packing list yet, I have browsed online and things that you might stab yourself with tend to be prohibited. Oh…no yarn either…Evidently, strangling yourself is also prohibited. Safety first!

      • That’s one serious facility!!! I guess it would kinda take the fun out of knitting if your roomy kills themselves with you knitting needles though. 😦 Plenty of time to knit when you’re back on your feet. If it’s anything like what I’ve been though in the past though you’ll probably be focusing a lot on yourself and writing your hand off. I bet they’ll have a hefty supply of notebooks to write in! 🙂

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