I keep having these moments where I feel like I am not here. Like, I am not really about to go for treatment. None of this is actually happening. I must be dreaming because I just know this isn’t real. I guess it’s dissociation…Only a very different manifestation than I am used to…It’s just like I am so far outside of myself that everything just must.not.be.real.
But it is real.
Wrapping Things Up
I spent yesterday starting the process wrapping up loose ends. I had promised J that I would make her some more soakers and that we would get together and sew some more. Since we won’t be getting together any time soon, I spent yesterday afternoon sewing up three soakers for her. I have also contemplated telling her why I can’t sew with her for a while. I really like her and she seems trustworthy…And I will have to tell her something. Not sure yet what I am going to do.
L had asked me to mend the handle on a bag of hers, so I did that. I also have a diaper cover of SS’s that I need to mend. (I would have done it yesterday, but I can’t find where I stashed it!)
I made arrangements for SS to get the Girl Scout cookies that I had ordered from a co-workers kiddos.
I started organizing bills and writing down the budget so dh can just step into the Family Treasurer role. I have also made sure that every little bill has been paid…which is not really an issue, we pay our bills on time, but fiddly little bills have come in lately, like the snow plow bill, the last ER visit co-pay, etc. At this point, we have gotten and paid all the bills that I have been expecting.
I need to call to defer my student loans farther out…I didn’t think of it yesterday, I will need to do it Monday.
I have to cancel some appointments with my Nutritionist. Other than those appointments, I don’t have any appointments scheduled to cancel…Well, I do have a physical in mid-April. I’ll ask my doc what I should do about that when I see her next week. I don’t know if I’ll be back by mid-April.
I will need to get in touch with my Yoga Instructor to let her know I won’t be going to yoga for a while.
I need a cavity filled…but I don’t know if I have time to do it before I leave. It is a tiny little surface cavity so I think it can wait. I actually had a filling replaced yesterday and the doctor made it sound like there is no urgent hurry to get that little cavity done. Plus I asked about appointments next week and they are basically booked solid.
Like I said, loose ends.
I shot a panicked email off to the AT yesterday morning. Basically, I think of things and start to worry and the worry turns into anxiety and the anxiety turns into panic. Yesterday morning, I was in a panic about treatment step-down (what kind of treatment I will need after being discharged from 24 hour care). The AT basically responded that it is too early to worry about that kind of stuff.
Then last night, I was texting my PNP. I never got the phone call I was expecting from the facility. In the process of texting my PNP, we discovered some confusion about what was supposed to happen next in the process. This issue, I am not feeling super anxious about because my PNP said she is going to figure it out (it’s about prior authorization stuff.) But I am glad that we figured out there is confusion as that may have slowed the process.
I was less tearful yesterday, being tasky helped with that. I just need to keep busy. And the support of the AT and my PNP is helping me self-regulate.
And actually, I have been getting lots of support from friends too. L im-ed with me for a long time last night. I shared some of my anxiety with her and she was able to help me diffuse it. SS has been great too. And A as well. And my e-friend Crackers. I am so lucky to have such supportive friends. And there is pretty much always someone available for me to IM/text so that I can stay out of my head for a while. (Distractions are really important right now!)