Journal Entries from March

When I got to the facility…Oh heck, this vague naming thing is just confusing.  The facility was Renfrew.

So, when I got to Renfrew, it was my intention to journal every day.  I got a start at it, but I had no idea how busy and how tired I would be, so the journaling tapered off pretty quickly.  In the end, I ended up using my journal as more of a scrapbook.  But there are a handful of entries to share.

The interesting thing is that when I read these entries, I see a bit of naivety that I had about my eating disorder…It is a lot more complicated than I realized in the beginning.

March 9

I cried a lot today.  The first meal, lunch, was overwhelming and before I could even eat it, I cried.  The other women here are really supportive, which is good because I need it right now.

The psychiatrist was really nice—seems like a real person, passed the Heidi approval test.

Family therapy with dh. B is my therapist. She seems okay—I meet with her again tomorrow. She said we will work collaboratively with the AT and at discharge time we will have a “bridging” session via phone to get him up to date.

I didn’t cry at dinner, nor did I eat the whole meal.  Tomorrow, if I don’t eat it all, I will be given a supplement, Ensure, to drink. I hate this idea, but I can’t make myself eat all my food.

I am so tired I can barely think.  The days will be really long for me, night meds are at 9:30.

OVERWHELMED!

March 10:  Morning

Things I forgot to say about yesterday.

–Someone purged under our window yesterday

–Waiting to take evening meds, someone was outside crying under our window

–My roommate asks lots of eating disorder and family history questions

–I was scheduled for evening leisure group but was so fried that I just came back to the room and laid down until 9:20 meds

I barely slept last night.  We had our lights out by 10, then we had 3 room checks.  Someone opens the door and looks in our room. I was up at 3:07.  Got up for morning vitals at 4.  BP/HR were high, so I earned myself the orthostatic Gatorade regimen.

In the past day, I have realized how much I have let my eating disorder get out of control.  I didn’t realize the extent of my illness, but after yesterday’s meals, it is glaring.

The birds are amazing. It sounds like a summer morning with the chorus of bird song. (And they sort of drown out the sound of the highway.)

Cardinals/Redwing blackbirds.

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