Things Are Hard and March Journaling

Things Are Hard

This whole transition home and early recovery thing is hard.  You probably guessed that after the messages post on Saturday.

The biggest two issues I have right now…Wait, there are three…The biggest three issues I have right now are an overwhelming urge to restrict, an overwhelming urge to over-exercise to make up for the fact that I am not restricting and an overwhelming urge to say “fuck it” to my psych meds and stop taking them.

The most concerning of these three for me is the med issue.  I have never, ever had this issue with meds and I have been taking my psych meds for 8 years.  But on Saturday night, I intentionally did not take my meds.  I don’t know what this is about or why I am doing it. Or is this is some new form of self-harming, or some new way to feel like I have control….I just don’t know.  What I do know is that it is bad.

I did email my PNP for support yesterday…More really to tattle on myself so that I had some accountability.  She asked me to commit to taking my meds as prescribed until I see her next.  I told her I would try.  My confidence is low that I will succeed, but I will make the attempt.

In other news, I am desperately trying to find an eating disorder support group or therapy group to augment my current therapy and nutritionist appts.  So far, it is going very poorly.  I have found three possibilities after spending literally hours Googling.  I have put out calls/inquiry emails to each place, but have not heard back yet.

I am working hard to keep myself from falling apart.  I don’t want to go back to where I was at the beginning of March before I had to go to Renfrew.

March Journaling:  March 10: Night

This was a hard, hard day. 4:00 a.m. vitals, tachycardic, orthostatic, Gatorade.  Also blood draw (2 tries and I got rally nauseous) and blood sugar.

Lots more crying today.  I must look stricken/overwhelmed/scared rabbit as the nurses kept asking me if I was okay.  Everyone wanted to blame my HR/BP on anxiety.  Maybe they were right. Of course, I felt prickly about it.

Had to report a girl for purging under my window this afternoon.  I realized that probably what I heard yesterday was the same girl purging in the same place.  I feel sad for her.

Eating is incredibly difficult.  I cannot physically get all the food in my stomach.  It makes me feel incredibly over-full.  I am soo stressed about this it is not funny.  I feel like I am failing. And most of the crew I started with has moved into the next dining room.  I know I shouldn’t compare, but I feel left behind.  Why can they do it and not me?  Of course, if they do it and then throw it all up under my window, I guess they aren’t necessarily moving on for the right reasons.

Therapy was hard today. I was mad and bitchy and felt kind of embarrassed about it.  We also ran way over session time (we only get 30 mins/session, we went closer to 50) and I felt bad for taking up her time.

A wonderful thing today.  I was resting before dinner and the girl next door started playing her harp.  The birds were singing, the harp was playing and I felt drowsy and calm.  It was a good half hour of Zen.  It was also what I needed today.

**Had Art Therapy activity today. It was the first hour here that I felt safe and comfortable.  I ❤ Art Therapy.  And I miss the AT.**




2 thoughts on “Things Are Hard and March Journaling

  1. I wish you could try Medical Marijuana!!!! Everything you are going through sounds so hard and upsetting! I’m so glad that you are enjoying art therapy though. Are you going to go back to your AT any time soon?

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