Things Are Hard
This whole transition home and early recovery thing is hard. You probably guessed that after the messages post on Saturday.
The biggest two issues I have right now…Wait, there are three…The biggest three issues I have right now are an overwhelming urge to restrict, an overwhelming urge to over-exercise to make up for the fact that I am not restricting and an overwhelming urge to say “fuck it” to my psych meds and stop taking them.
The most concerning of these three for me is the med issue. I have never, ever had this issue with meds and I have been taking my psych meds for 8 years. But on Saturday night, I intentionally did not take my meds. I don’t know what this is about or why I am doing it. Or is this is some new form of self-harming, or some new way to feel like I have control….I just don’t know. What I do know is that it is bad.
I did email my PNP for support yesterday…More really to tattle on myself so that I had some accountability. She asked me to commit to taking my meds as prescribed until I see her next. I told her I would try. My confidence is low that I will succeed, but I will make the attempt.
In other news, I am desperately trying to find an eating disorder support group or therapy group to augment my current therapy and nutritionist appts. So far, it is going very poorly. I have found three possibilities after spending literally hours Googling. I have put out calls/inquiry emails to each place, but have not heard back yet.
I am working hard to keep myself from falling apart. I don’t want to go back to where I was at the beginning of March before I had to go to Renfrew.
March Journaling: March 10: Night
This was a hard, hard day. 4:00 a.m. vitals, tachycardic, orthostatic, Gatorade. Also blood draw (2 tries and I got rally nauseous) and blood sugar.
Lots more crying today. I must look stricken/overwhelmed/scared rabbit as the nurses kept asking me if I was okay. Everyone wanted to blame my HR/BP on anxiety. Maybe they were right. Of course, I felt prickly about it.
Had to report a girl for purging under my window this afternoon. I realized that probably what I heard yesterday was the same girl purging in the same place. I feel sad for her.
Eating is incredibly difficult. I cannot physically get all the food in my stomach. It makes me feel incredibly over-full. I am soo stressed about this it is not funny. I feel like I am failing. And most of the crew I started with has moved into the next dining room. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I feel left behind. Why can they do it and not me? Of course, if they do it and then throw it all up under my window, I guess they aren’t necessarily moving on for the right reasons.
Therapy was hard today. I was mad and bitchy and felt kind of embarrassed about it. We also ran way over session time (we only get 30 mins/session, we went closer to 50) and I felt bad for taking up her time.
A wonderful thing today. I was resting before dinner and the girl next door started playing her harp. The birds were singing, the harp was playing and I felt drowsy and calm. It was a good half hour of Zen. It was also what I needed today.
**Had Art Therapy activity today. It was the first hour here that I felt safe and comfortable. I ❤ Art Therapy. And I miss the AT.**