Triple Decker Day and March Journaling

Yesterday was super busy…One of those triple decker appointment days.

My primary doc ran an EKG and was very happy with how it looked.  And we talked about the fact that I no longer am having heart palpitations and my tachycardia is better (still there, but better) and that an abnormality they noticed at Renfrew has resolved.   All in all, I am quite relieved.  Evidently, your heart really, really likes to be fed.  Who knew?

I saw the Nutritionist and that appointment went well.  She was sooo glad to see me, and glad to see me looking well.  I showed her a bunch of nutrition paperwork from Renfrew and talked to her about the exchange program.  I also told her about my strong ED urges.  Oh…and my obsession with knowing my weight.

And the AT…My hour of safety…It went well as well.  We are having some very frank discussions about my ED, which is just what I need right now.  And the AT called me out on some restricting I have been doing and he said that he was seeing some red flags.  I contend that I am being compliant with my meal plan…But he called me out for not eating when I am hungry, either by not snacking or waiting too long between meals.  These were both things that I wrote about in the ED messages post a couple of days ago.

I see the AT again today.  As a matter of fact, I have an appointment with Team Heidi people every day this week except Friday.  Yesterday was the triple decker day, today the AT, tomorrow my PNP and Thurs the AT.  Hopefully, that all will help me stay accountable and on track.

Okay…Now more entries from my Renfrew journal.

March Journaling:

3-11-16

Goals: Eat all of breakfast. No Ensure

Eat all of lunch. No Ensure.

3-12-16

I ate all 3 meals yesterday and so this morning I graduated to “trays” or what I like to call, the “Big Girl” dining room.  I don’t say this out loud as it is a bit of a slight if someone doesn’t know my sense of humor.

Last night was mandatory attendance MFG (Multi-Family Group).  It is a support group for friends/family and residents.  Family gets to talk about thoughts/feelings about living with someone with an E.D.  Residents get to share their thoughts/feelings about living with an E.D.

I sat down for group and the families started coming.  I started missing dh. But not like I was homesick for him—More that I knew that if we lived closer, he would have been there. He wants to help, he would gladly participate and he would have wanted to be there.  I just lost it and started crying.  And I couldn’t stop.  I left the room and a counselor followed.  She tried to be supportive, and I tried to let her, but I was just broken.  I had to attend the meeting, so I quietly sobbed for the first 15 minutes (or not even so quietly).  Then I just cried through the rest. It was interminable.  All I wanted to do was self-harm or die.  Anything to turn off the feelings.  The counselor did sit next to me for most of the meeting and occasionally rubbed my arm.  I appreciated it.  I was afraid to tell anyone about wanting to self-harm because I was afraid I would get in trouble.

Today is Saturday with extended visitor hours.  Tomorrow is Family Day. I think this whole weekend is going to suck. I just feel so sad that dh can’t be here when I know he would be if he could. It just kind of kills me inside.

Parts of being here are unmanageably hard.

*I sent a postcard to the AT today.*

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