Struggling and March Journaling

Struggling

I am just having a really hard time right now.  I am not sure what can be done for it.  Thank goodness I have lots of Team Heidi appointments right now, as I am really in need of the extra support.

(And there is a weird coincidence that the first journal entry I am posting today is also about really struggling.)

March Journaling

3-13 Sunday Morning

I am already struggling with the amount of emotional pain I am in right now.  I already feel myself having to put on the “I’m okay” mask and hiding behind it.  What I really want to do is restrict (my weight has gone up unacceptably), self-harm (to stop the feelings) and I wish I was dead to stop the hurting.

Why can’t I keep it under control? I end up crying, which doesn’t seem to help. I want to ask why I feel so much worse, especially when I am supposed to be getting better, but I know that even just the idea of peeling back the layers is terrifying and painful.

I am afraid to ask for help. I am afraid they will put me on some sort of restriction or move my room or otherwise do something with the intent of keeping me safe that will actually feel like a punishment. I can’t talk to my peers—I don’t know who would understand.

I just wish I was dead.

Why is everything about this so hard?

I don’t know how I am going to face breakfast this morning. I feel so stressed that I feel sick. I feel betrayed by my body and the food that is supposed to be nourishing me and keeping me healthy has actually caused me to gain weight.

I don’t want to get dressed today. I don’t want to participate today. I don’t want to get out of bed today (even though I have done so several times)(vitals—ortho—Gatorade—re-check of vitals, shower, laundry) and it isn’t even 7:00.

Oh-and today is Family Day which is going to super suck.  FD followed by weekend visiting hours is going to be brutal—knowing that dh would love to be here but cannot because of the distance.

The only good thing lately is that I got my night meds early and was able to go to bed early.  Thank goodness!  It gave me relief from the pain.

I will think about talking to one of the counselors today—If I am brave enough to do so.

3-13 Evening

Things are evening out for me.  I feel settled enough now to be feisty and ask for more involvement in my care i.e. asking for actual #s from my lab results, asking about a new med added to my med-list (Miralax) and complaining vigorously that I missed a class due to med line issues.

I am really making social connections here. I have found a handful of friends.  I really like K.  She is 18 and thoughtful and bright and just full of wisdom and good insight.  I also really like Biebs—again bright, thoughtful, kind. There are many others too and nursing staff too that I feel connected with.

I checked in with dh. The 15 mins phone limit seems just about right.  I can talk without being too sucked into the homesickness.

Bad blood draw tonight. Fussy nurse too. I tried to make small talk to keep me from fainting and she was clearly irritated.  T. was her name. I need to remember to avoid her in the future.  She poked me and didn’t get a vein.  She also said (I asked her if my chatting was bothering her) she doesn’t talk when doing blood draws.  Well….how can you distract me and keep me from passing out if you don’t talk to me?

Talked to one of the counselors, A, about urges to self-harm.  She mentioned that taking away the eating disorder coping skills helps flare up other coping strategies.  Well…I knew that! I had just forgotten.  It’s what I refer to as “switching pathologies.”

 

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