The truth is that I am a good faker. Because for the most part, unless I have told you, you would not realize right now that I am being totally consumed my my depression and pulled to dark places that I have not been to in a long time. Everyday is a struggle. Being alive is more painful than seems worth it. I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, I have no initiative to run errands and I am close to tears most of the time. And…while I have now described here a bit of what is going on, I cannot properly describe how badly and how hopeless I feel. Luckily, I am on increased therapy and Team Heidi support right now, because I really, really need it.
However, even though life is pretty bleak at the moment, I have to report something awesome that happened yesterday. Yesterday, Biebs and I finally connected via telephone and we talked for two hours. Yup, two hours! I have missed her so much! It was really good to connect.
And this morning, another Renfrew friend is supposed to give me a call. It is nice to keep my friendships going. Especially now, when I am having such a difficult time.
[This journal entry had a very dismal and graphic picture that I drew of my ED]
The ED has me tight in his grasp, but I am trying to reach myself so I can pull myself back to me. The ED is hurting me and is going to molest me and make me do things I don’t want to do. But I just can’t reach myself and pull me back to safety.
Morning vitals/bloodwork are a challenge. I can get up and usually around 4, and I stagger down, less awake than seems possible for actually being moving and thinking. Of course my BP and HR continue to be off so I keep having to get Gatorade.
My bowels are a wreck and I am so, so, so uncomfortable. Partly because the constipation protocol takes a few days. But, I am on day 6 with only two tiny BMs and I am miserable. Today, I am getting the 1, 2, 3 punch. Milk of magnesia, prune juice and Miralax (which I started yesterday). The nurse, S, says I have hypoactive bowels. Yup, I kinda knew that. However she is kind and caring and I like her. Bloodwork is a nightmare—can’t get blood from a stone, or from me!!!
Saw the psychiatrist yesterday. It was good. He seems really nice, seems safe/trustable. Funny thing though, he observed something that the AT had commented on recently, that I have a distancing way of interacting, keeping him a bit off balance and using humor. The psychiatrist says it is typical of trauma folks.
Speaking of trauma, I start the trauma track sessions today. I am both nervous and excited. I am ready to do the work. Trauma track just meets 1x/week and you increase frequency as you progress through the sequence (3 levels).