Wow…Just when I think, “How could I feel any worse?” I have a day like yesterday. It was ugly.
I finally broke down and emailed the AT, here is what I said:
This is being a really, really bad day. I am pretty much going minute by minute to keep myself from [self-harming]…Telling myself things like, “You are expecting a phone call after breakfast, you can [self-harm] after that.” and “Just write letters to the twins first and you can [self-harm] after that.” So far, I have made it without [self-harming], though I am kind of obsessed with the idea.
But…what is really getting to me is an intrusive thought. It is a PTSD related thought that I used to have all the time, and then didn’t for a few years…And it has started up again and every time I am not thinking about something else, it pops into my head.
It is exhausting me to constantly be putting off [self-harming] and trying to keep my brain busy to keep out the intrusive though. I feel like I can’t keep it all up.
Do you have any advice at all about dealing with the intrusive thought? I think I am managing the [self-harming] okay, and though it is really tiring, I know the urge will pass eventually. But the intrusive thought…I don’t know how to stop it from disrupting me.
My plan at the moment is to go outside and do some chores, which will keep me busy for a while and won’t leave room for the intrusive thought and it will keep me from perseverating about [self-harming]. But I can’t do chores forever. 😦
The AT responded with an idea for me to draw a representation of the intrusive thought, seal it in an envelope and bring it to him on Monday and in the in between time, to just let go of the intrusive thought. So, I was pretty skeptical about it, but I did it anyway. And you know what? So far, the intrusive thought has been rattling inside the envelope, but has stayed out of my head! That AT…he has some good ideas!
And then…In that way that happens where you see just what you need at the right time, one of my Renfrew alumni friends posted this on Facebook. So fitting for my day yesterday!
I finally figured out who the OTR is. She is the one that teaches the Life Skills classes (Of course! It is a function-based class on interacting with people.)
Today, a girl, A, was chatting with me in the hall. She said that I am an inspiration. I was really touched and also a bit surprised by her comment. Me? And inspiration?
And yesterday during Community Meeting, Glitter H said that I am really supportive and kind and basically a great member of the community. I was—I don’t know—I kind of felt all, “Ah shucks.” And then today I told Glitter H that she is awesome and she told me I am awesome too. And I looked at her. And she said, “If you aren’t ready to believe it, then I will hold it for you and when you are ready to believe it, I will give it back to you.” ❤ ❤ ❤
There is another young woman here, G. She is sick. Some of the girls here are sooo sick. She cries a lot, I know because she is my suitemate. I have been trying to connect with her and have been repeatedly rebuffed. She was crying in the hall yesterday and I said, “I know you are going to say no, but do you want a hug?” And much to my surprise, she said “Yes.” I gave her a big hug and I could pretty much feel every bone in her body and every vertebra.
Anyway, this girl is an amazing artist. She does these delicate watercolors of trees. It is hard to explain why they touch me so much, but I love them.