Awkwardness and Shame

I feel like my blog posts have been a bit wander-y in terms of thoughts for the past few days.  I guess that makes sense because I feel kind of lost and wander-y.  But I think getting the thoughts out of my head is good.  Too much in my head and things get complicated.

Today, I see the AT.  The AT was on vacation all of last week and yesterday as well.  So, I missed four visits with him.  Instead of obsessing about it, I just kind of ignored the whole thing.  Plus, I am been in the capable hands of my PNP for the past week and a half, so I got the support I needed without bugging the AT during his vacation.  Of course, my poor PNP got exposed to my extra crazy.  She’s been supporting me via texts, with twice a day check ins.  I tend to be more unfiltered via text and so more of my crazy slipped out.  I feel kind of awkward about it….But then again, I feel awkward about ashamed about everything, so the texting shouldn’t be any different.

The texting has been helpful.  I do honestly think that the accountability has decreased my self-harming for the past 10 days.  And the restricting too.  However, I feel guilty about the texting, even though I have been told I don’t need to, so I gave my PNP a chance to get out of the texts last night (since the AT is back).  In the end, we mutually agreed that the texting check ins are helpful, so we will continue them for the time being.

I suppose I should check in with the AT about it and see if he cares.  Ugh…I am kind of uncomfortable about my therapy appointment today.  I still feel embarrassed about the over-sharing from the week before he left.  I was kind of hoping the feeling would have worn off….But I still feel kind of stupid about it and ashamed.  And the over-share, plus my reaction to it makes me feel vulnerable.  And you know how much I hate feeling vulnerable.

Hmmmm….Now my mind has gotten all wander-y again in terms of what to write about.  I think I will pause for now and save some of my wander-y for tomorrow’s post.

Invisible Restricting

I have been hungry all afternoon and I have refused to eat.  There is a word for that: Restricting.  Hello, Eating Disorder!

Why am I restricting?  Well, partly because it is what I do.  Food=weight gain.  No food=weight loss.  Weight loss is what I want.  Weight gain is my nightmare.  So, that’s partly why I am restricting.

But this morning had a rough start and even though I muddled through and then spent a couple of hours outdoors gardening and spent the afternoon watching a movie with dh and ds….I am still having a really hard time.  It is one of those days when the distractions get me through, but it requires a huge amount of energy and as soon as the distractions end, I am left with me and my thoughts. And I am not very good company for myself today.

So…what is the restricting about? It is about managing feelings of frustration, inadequacy, insecurity, self-loathing and shame.  And the best way I know to make that all go away is restricting.  Ummm….not true, self-harming does it too.  But not always enough.  Restricting gives me control and makes me feel better.

Today, I am practicing invisible restricting, which means that unless I confess, no one will know I am restricting.  I will meet my meal plan for the day.  No one will know that I spent 3+ hours hungry and refusing to eat. Or that I skipped putting butter and maple syrup on my waffles this morning, or that I went scant with some of my portion measuring (or that I am not even supposed to be measuring).  Officially, I have been adherent with my meal plan.

Of course, part of my shame is that I have broken two clauses of my safety contract (the one with my PNP) so far today.  And I am really embarrassed to have to tell her.  She has been working so hard to help me and I feel like my inability to keep up with the contract is disrespectful to her.  Like, really, I should be a better patient.

I am so tired and so frustrated with this battle…And I don’t just mean the ED, I mean the depression, trauma, PTSD, anxiety and all the tangled mess that comes with it.

 

 

I Am A Fucking Warrior!

I had a rocky start this morning…Made some poor choices in relation to my ED. How long has it been? 6 weeks since I got home? I thought this would get easier.

I messaged Glitter H today…spoke briefly of my ED issues this morning.  She had some good insight,

They say with recovery it NEVER gets easy, but things get easier

and the hard days get easier and less frequent

I hope you are right, Glitter H, cuz right now, it just feels hard and harder.

Then I kind of mindlessly wandered around the internet and found this:

13 Affirmations to Strengthen Your Recovery.  

1. My happiness does not depend on my weight or size, but on who I am and what I do.

2. Today I will abandon my destructive behaviors and start using behaviors that are good for me.

3. I am a survivor and I am a warrior. I don’t need my eating disorder to be good enough.

4. I am courageous and from today I will stand up for myself.

5. My life is just beginning, not ending.

6. I will not define myself by my past.

7. How I feel about myself has nothing to do with what I eat or don’t eat.

8. The process of recovery may be an epic one, but it’s worth it and I know it.

9. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to fulfill my dreams.

10. I deserve to treat my body with respect.

11. I will love and appreciate myself.

12. I don’t need to do excessive exercising to deserve food.

13. Everyday I become stronger and healthier.

RecoveryWarriors.com  (This a good ED recovery support site. I like it a lot.)

And then I was reminded of this:

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I feel sort of jumbled and scrambled and my brain is making connections between the past and the present and I am kind of overwhelmed and unsure.  But this much I know…I am going to heal from the sexual abuse. I am going to heal from my eating disorder.  And I am not going to do it perfectly. As a matter of fact, I am going to move forward and slide back.  I am going to re-write my inner dialogue and then I am going to listen to the old dialogue.  I am going to want to do it all alone and I desperately need help and support. It will be progress and setbacks. And joy and tears.  And I will love it and hate it.

But, I am  fucking warrior.  And today, I am not giving up.

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What if….?

What if……?

Okay…I woke up this morning with a thought.  Usually, when I wake up, my thoughts are kind of dreary especially depending on my dreams.  Even though last night I had some unpleasant sex themed dreams, I did not wake up as dreary as usual.  As a matter of fact I woke up thinking about a dress.  My dress.

Now, this probably flies in the face of yesterday’s post about Femininity. Sort of anyway.  I do not wear dresses. I especially don’t wear skirts.  I never feel pretty in dresses and/or worthy of wearing dresses.  And I never feel worth the expense of dresses. But…..Comic Con.  The local Comic Con is at the end of August and I have been pining over a dress for months, like since January.  And my want for this dress has been pretty constant and it is perfect for Comic Con. PERFECT!

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Torrid.com

So…I waited and waited and waited for the dress to go on sale and a week or so ago, it did.  So, I pounced. Ordering the dress was kind of an issue because I had no idea what size I would need.  And I had to break one of my ED Recovery Rules and measure myself to find out. (Weighing and measuring fuel ED urges.)  But I measured anyway and then I ordered two dresses. One that fits my measurements now and one a size smaller because <ahem> since restricting is never far from the surface, I wanted to make sure I had a dress that fit properly at Comic Con.

Yesterday, the dresses came.  I tried on both and the dress that fits my measurements fits PERFECTLY.  Like it was tailored for me.  And you know what?  I felt amazing in the dress.  I love how pretty it is, how nicely it fits and how it looks on my body.  And I even love the little bit of twirl to the skirt.  And as I looked in the mirror, I thought that my body looked pretty good in the dress.  Yup, I actually entertained a positive thought about my body. (And maybe I will be brave enough to post a picture of me in the dress someday!)

When I woke up this morning, I was still feeling a bit giddy about this amazing dress and how it looked on me and how pretty it is.  And then…(I tell you, I am on a roll)…I thought, “Well, what if it isn’t just the dress that is pretty? What if me being in the dress is part of what makes it pretty? What if I am pretty?”  This is kind of an earth shattering concept and one that at the moment, I don’t buy into.  But….then I was thinking about how I think my body is disgusting.  And then…Then I had the beginnings of what is perhaps an epiphany.

What if it’s not me that is disgusting and wrong?  What if the sexual abuse was disgusting and wrong, but when it happened I was to young to differentiate?

Yup.  That’s something to think about.

And then I thought about this and thought maybe I would post it again:

 

 

Femininity

I have a secret.  I love girly-girl things.

And girly-girl terrifies me.  Right down to the very traumatized preschool-me core.  And this is part of why I hate my body.  And hate being female.

I was thinking about this on Wednesday, when I was turning some pants into capris for summer wear and added a little bit of ribbon along the hems.  I am tickled with the little bits of ribbon, they are so pretty!  But at the same time, I was/am really aware that I added a smidge of femininity to my pants  which is really scary to me.  I can’t handle being female as it is just the un-safest thing for me.  And anything feminine just advertises the fact that I am female.

Plus of course, I think my body is disgusting.  So, even if I wanted to look feminine and pretty, it isn’t going to happen anyway.  So…why bother?

But it doesn’t prevent me from looking at girly things on websites and in catalogs and wishing for the me-that-I-will-never-be.  Which of course is a trap as it just makes me hate myself more.  It’s sort of like psychological self-harming.

Sometimes, I am kind of amazed at how much of my world has been framed by my sexual abuse.  It’s like everything became black and white.  Being female is bad. Being feminine is bad. Men are scary. The world is unsafe. My body is gross. I hate who I am. Etc, etc.  It’s like everything changed….Or at least my perception of everything.

I know that I am a fucking mess right now. And I am glad the AT is helping me pick up the pieces.  I am glad my PNP is prescribing me meds so that I can tolerate the therapy process. And I am glad that they and the rest of Team Heidi (including friends and family) are supporting me so that I don’t kill myself with my ED…or kill myself period.

But this is a crazy-hard journey and it is wearing me out. 😦

 

Mired

I have been having some issues this week.  First of all my PTSD has been heightened and I am edgy all of the time.  Lots of things set off my startling and after a while, it is just exhausting.  Yesterday, every time my cell phone chimed to let me know I had a text or an email or whatever, I literally physically jumped.  Other little noises set me off to.  I really don’t like days like that (and I have had several).

I have been having a hard time sleeping at night.  I wake up over and over and then sometimes when I am awake, I am awake for a while and just can’t fall back asleep.  Last night, I slept better, but had stressful dreams.  And I had one of those episodes where I woke up on the night and had no idea where I was.  I was so confused…and scared.  I was looking at the walls in the dark and just couldn’t orient myself.  I am not sure what clued me in that I was here in my home (both physically and in terms of time) and in my own bedroom.  Come to think….Some of my dreams last night were  about being in the house I grew up in.  I guess my brain got all confused.

One of the most damning issues I have been having this week is super-negative body image and body shame.  I can’t stand my body because it is disgusting.  I hate being seen. I don’t want to eat because I hate how my body looks and I want to change it.  I don’t want to take the new medication my PNP has prescribed for me because I hate my body and am desperately afraid the medicine will make me gain weight.  And my thoughts are pretty extreme, like so much so that I am embarrassed to say what ultimatum rattles around in my head regarding weight gain.  I know it is extreme, illogical and dangerous…And I know to anyone else, it would sound ridiculous and dramatic.  And nope, I am not going to share it as I can’t bear the shame.

Let’s see, what else this week?  I don’t feel worthy of the support of Team Heidi.  I feel awkward and ashamed that they care so much (ashamed because I don’t deserve the help and that I take up their time and energy.)  I am struggling with social isolation.  I don’t want people to see me (see above body shame topic) and I don’t have the energy to be social or make plans.  I am struggling with eating (that’s probably not a surprise).  I don’t know, everything is hard right now and I am exhausted and overwhelmed.

I wish I had some sense that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes, I don’t even know what I am working towards anymore.

 

 

Today

I think today is going to be one of those days…Of course, every day seems to be one of those days….

I have been given three tasks for today from two of my clinicians (aside from the general “stay safe” contract.)  I am supposed to do something social, get showered and get dressed.  And…..I did make a weak attempt at getting together with a friend.  But one friend has a stomach bug going around at her house so I didn’t even ask her.  And then pretty much everyone else is at work.  The other friends who might be available would require more energy than I have.  You know what I mean? There are those kinds of friends that don’t require much, you just enjoy their company, they enjoy yours, it is comfortable and safe.  Others you need to be more on guard with, more aware, they take more energy….They are friends too, just a different demand, of which I just have no energy to deal.  So if it isn’t one of my few “safe” friends, I am just not up to it.

So, that is fail #1 for the day.

Showering…ummm…..Feels like work.

Dressing?  No point if I haven’t showered.

Could be that those are fails 2 and 3.

Oh..and it is another pottery class night. And I know I am doing to skip it.  I just can’t do it.

I need to work on my continuing ed credits too, and that seems too overwhelming.

K…here are my goals for the rest of the day:

  1. Hang the towels on the line
  2. Be compliant with my meal plan
  3. Shower/dress (Though I am not sure of the point as I just have to shower again tomorrow before my appointments.)
  4. Write some letters (this is a good distraction for me and I love writing to people)

Okay…at the very least, I will put on clothing that is not pajamas….Well, at least that pass as non-pajamas for when the UPS man comes.

Actually, I really need some capris as it is flipping hot here this week.  Maybe I will hem up some pants to be capris.  That will give me a task that I can handle.  I even have some pretty ribbon to edge the hems with.

But first, I am going to lay down for a bit and rest.  Ummm….no, I just heard the washer buzz.  First, I am going to hang towels.  I suppose I need to find pants to do that.  <sigh>