Some Days

Some days, I just want to cry from the sheer exhaustion and frustration with my life.  It has got to get better than this, right?  Like, this can’t be all I will ever have?

The urge to restrict my eating is very strong today.  It might be because I am alone all day today and thus I am only accountable to myself.  It might be because I have had a grueling week emotionally.  It might be just for no reason other than restricting feels familiar and safe.

I have things I need to do today. Like doing online coursework for my license renewal.  But I have no motivation, no desire, no nothing.  I just want to go back to bed and ignore the world.  This is going to be a bad day.

Okay…I need a plan.  I joined the online course website this morning and scrolled through and chose the courses I want to take.  Maybe that is enough for today…or for the morning anyway.  I have laundry going, dishes going, and I have eaten breakfast.  I can do the mundane.  Maybe, I need to just occupy my mind with mundane for a while and then see where I am at.

Mundane things to do today:

  • Clean the downstairs bathroom
  • Clean the upstairs bathroom
  • Put away all the paperwork and course material/handouts etc from Renfrew
  • Mow the dog yard to keep down the ticks
  • Put away winter stuff
  • Bag up too-big clothes to go to Goodwill
  • Finish packing up books to send to Amb
  • Wash bathroom linens

That ought to keep me out of trouble.  And if for some reason, I get my focus back, I can sit and start the coursework at any time.

Now…I just have to summon the initiative to do all this!

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