Maybe, just maybe, the downward spiral of depression is releasing its grip. I don’t want to get all excited about it….Really, I don’t dare get all excited about it, but things were not as bad yesterday. Well…that’s not true, things were pretty bad yesterday morning, but the intensity tapered off over the course of the day.
My initiative still really sucks though. It is an effort to crawl out of bed and face the day. And this morning, I have a nutrition appointment and I could care less…I just don’t even want to go. I have therapy this afternoon…I am ambivalent about that appointment too, except that I know I need to go.
I have omitted something from my blog the past few days. This particular depression exacerbation has been accompanied by really strong self-harming urges and actual self-harm. It has been pretty ugly for me. I first self-harmed twice on Friday, then a couple times on Saturday and then yesterday morning. Friday and yesterday, I created fresh self-harm injuries. Saturday, I just re-used the injuries from Friday to create pain.
Self-harming sucks. Well…it also doesn’t, it serves its purpose an works really well for me, but I also know it is a poor coping mechanism. And I feel guilty and ashamed that I do it. And yet, there is something so enticing about the pain…And I gave myself lots of pain this weekend. As a matter of fact, the injuries still hurt like a son-0f-a-bitch. (This is not a complaint, more of me stating a fact.)
I spent the whole weekend in email communication with the AT. I started by asking for a safety contract, which I broke. And I told the AT I broke it…And he still kept supporting me. I don’t really get why that man doesn’t just give up on me. But his support was helpful. Saturday, he even tossed in an AT project related to the self-harming urges.
Last night, I had to break down and text my PNP about the self-harming. I needed advice on bandaging. I tried to broach the topic with a friend, but I didn’t get very far because I was afraid she would ask why I needed bandaging and I am just too ashamed to admit why. Plus, it is not something I want to burden my friend with. Anyway, my PNP was helpful until she told me I have to show her the injuries when I see her tomorrow. <sigh> Shame upon shame upon shame.
I feel more stable at this point. Yes, I still have self-harm urges, but not as intensely an with nowhere near the frequency. I can’t say I won’t self-harm again soon, but hopefully, I won’t need to.
I think my friend Biebs summed it up best, ” Go away, depression cloud… give Heidi Ho a break.”