Therapy

Therapy these days is hard. Of course, if you’ve been reading the blog for the past week or so, that probably is not surprising.  I cry a lot in therapy now.  Remember when I would never cry in therapy?  Yup…well….I’ve crossed that bridge.  I cry every.single.time. I go to therapy.  I leave therapy drained and my eyes burn for the rest of the day.  It is just exhausting.

In between the crying, there are bouts of dissociation. And in between the crying and bouts of dissociation…There is connection.  Connection between what the AT is saying and the parts of my brain that can hear it.

He said something Monday, that I am “living in two times.”  And I have been mulling over that.  I am living in two time.  One time is Now.  And in Now, I am safe and autonomous and in control of my life.  The other time is Then.  Then is when the trauma happened.  Then was dangerous and terrifying and there was nothing I could do about it.  And Then crosses into Now and disrupts my sense of reality.  And it isn’t just that Then crosses into Now, but my whole experience, my whole world is the intertwining of Then into Now.  It is like Then is a parasite slowly sucking the life out of my Now. But, they are soooo intertwined that I can’t tease them apart.  I feel like pulling them apart would be pulling me apart.  Like trying to pull the red stripe off of the white stripe on a candy cane…It would be impossible to do without shattering the whole confection.

Of course, I am already a shattered wreck…Can it actually get any worse?

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. I feel you. It’s so easy for people to tell you to not live in the past. What they don’t understand is that the past finds ways to live in the present. But I guess whats done is done and we have no option but to make conscious attempts to bury it. I’m sure you’ll sail through therapy and emerge as a happier person. Keep writing 🙂

  2. Shattered is a good word to describe what unwanted sexual attacks does to a child. Wreck? You may feel that way, but it is not a good description of a woman -strong- trying to fight through the wreckage of evil committed by another human being.

    “I feel like pulling them apart would be pulling me apart. Like trying to pull the red stripe off of the white stripe on a candy cane…It would be impossible to do without shattering the whole confection.”
    Such an apt description, eloquent and sadly true. I did a good bit of running before accepting.

    This is hard work. There is much to grieve when standing still and facing it all. You are not a wreck. You are a woman moving through trauma with all its precarious, nightmarish twists and turns. It hurts. I hope you can turn to your husband for warmth, or friend, even a nice soft teddy bear…

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