Yesterday was one of those shifting kinds of day. I would feel my perspective shifting a bit more towards the positive.  Of course, I was excited that I would wake up this morning and be “all better” so I was kind disappointed when I woke up this morning feeling depressed.  But I will roll with it and give time for the shifting to happen.

A lot happened yesterday (amazing what can transpire in one day) and rather than write it all out, I am going to bullet-point it.

  • I saw the AT, my Physician and the Nutritionist and texted my PNP
  • I was honest with all of them about restricting (a few minor bobbles over the past week)
  • I told my doctor about the self-harming (AT and PNP already knew)
  • I showed my doctor my self-harm wounds….I was so ashamed.
  • My doctor is really supporting me and I am really comforted by her genuine concern. She hugs me at the end of every appointment now.  And they are “real” hugs, not just cursory hugs.
  • My doctor got to see (and call me out on) some of my distorted/illogical thinking
  • Seroquel. Prescribed by my PNP and my doctor had strong opinions about how I should/could be taking it.
  • My doctor doesn’t trust me to take as-needed medications when I need them.
  • I realized that my Nutritionist is always asking me about my Gatorade consumption because she is counting the calories. Therefore, I am going to stop drinking Gatorade because I had thought the calories didn’t really count.  If she is counting them, then they must count as “real” calories.  Since I don’t need the Gatorade (or its calories) I am going to stop drinking it. (Is this restricting behavior? Yeah…probably.)
  • My Nutritionist is too damn optimistic. Seriously.
  • The AT was weird yesterday. Something was off with his affect and it really threw me.  I wanted to leave.
  • The AT had me do an interesting project yesterday (I may have felt uncomfortable with him yesterday, but I still did my work.) and it was a good representation of a negative thinking pattern I learned about at Renfrew called the Downward Arrow. Basically, it is when your thoughts get more and more negative, kind of whirlpooling you down into a miserable pit.  I didn’t make the connection until just now about the Downward Arrow.  I will have to tell the AT about it on Monday.
  • The AT told me that I am healing.
  • I told the AT something that had been really bothering me…I only glanced across the topic, though the AT was able to fill in lots of the gaps. I am sure it will be the source of much more discussion.
  • Dh saw my self-harm wounds for the first time.
  • Dh and I have spent the past several days putting up a new clothesline for me (I haven’t had one in a couple of years.) Yesterday, the cement had set and I got to hang laundry. I LOVE hanging laundry.  Seriously, it is totally a Zen kind thing for me.
  • I was asked to go camping with a friend and her family and extended family Memorial Day weekend. I said yes despite my immediate panic of social anxiety, food anxiety, recovery anxiety and body shame.  (What the fuck was I thinking?!)
  • I made a plan to have a good weekend instead of the crash-and-burn weekends I have had for the past couple of weeks.
  • I realized that I need to buy a bathing suit for the aforementioned camping trip. This is a topic that I will have to blog more about another day.  Suffice it to say, body shame and bathing suit shopping?  Sounds like the makings of nightmares!



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